that was the worst christmas ever.

it rained the other night and i remembered that it was winter. sometimes i forget what time of year it is. it's always warm here.  christmas is over and i'm kind of glad about it.  not that i don't like christmas.  i love it.  but this year i didn't get to go home and i really just wanted it to be over as soon as possible.  but timmy was with me, and i am glad for that.  and while i didn't think this christmas would turn out to be much more than eating ramen in the living room of my empty house with timmy, it turned out to be surprisingly enjoyable.  we ended up going down to spend christmas eve and christmas day with some family friends in orange county.  there's nothing like a steak dinner and then mimosa's in the morning.  capped off with a grand christmas dinner and a $125 bottle of henessy.  i'm humbled by certain people's generosity.  i am humbled by love.  

whatever love is.  i think it is so many things.  it is the bag full of food given me on christmas day.  it is the letter in the mail from my far away sister.  it is the sitting in my living room with friends playing songs on our guitars for countless hours.  it is the phone call from my favorite boy.  it is the smile.  it is the hug in the hallway when no one is around.  it is the laughing until i can't breathe.  it is the crying.  it is the sun on my back.  it is the color in everything that lives.  it is something.. perhaps everything.  but i don't know what it is.  all i know is that i burst beside it.  one day i'll feel it again and i'll know how to give it away.  but right now i can only handle a little bit.  

i can't believe it's already 9 o'clock.  i haven't done a damn thing today.  literally.  now i'm sitting on the couch, writing this, and timmy is beside me on 'loudcrowd' dancing with girls that he thinks are cute.  but none of it is real.  i have never felt like i've wasted more of a day than i have today.  but i'm not entirely mad about it.  tomorrow we will go to the zoo and i am sure it will be a memorable time.  i think the last time i went to the zoo was before my teen years.  the cheyenne mountain zoo.  geeze, that zoo was so crappy.  but we loved it.  my favorites were always the giraffes.  and the elephants.  and the hippos.  

life is a strange thing.  it's almost a new year and i can only hope that it will be better than this last one.  man, 2008 was a doozy.  i fell in love, lost it.  made new friends, was more depressed than i ever imagined.  got a raise at work, and my car broke down 5 times.  all in all, i've learned more about myself and life this year than i have in my whole life combined.  i'm thinking 2009 is going to be life shattering.  so here's to having my life destroyed in the best way possible.

i cannot wait to go the zoo tomorrow.      

iloveyou

i love you. i love you and i don't even want to. you make me want to throw up. and so i put you on mute while i lean over the toilet. and you don't even know. this conversation is ending. i love you. i love you and i can't even help it. you make my heart bigger. i was walking by the sea and thought you'd love it and i started crying. there's not enough room for you in my small little heart. i burst beside you. i love you. i love you and i don't even believe in it. you had me fooled. i would rather sleep alone then curled up beside you, waiting until you're gone. and these covers cast nothing but fire and brimstone. i am damned. i love you. i love you and i wont ever stop. you slay me from head to toe. i stand at arms length only not to lose you, and my arms go on forever. dig your fingers tighter. my heart is yours. and i love you. i love you i love you i love you.


*no. this is not about some boy or some lost love. it's not about you and it's not about me.*

i feel it all again.

i haven't written anything in a while. and i guess it's because i don't know what it is i would write. i haven't had much to say lately. i haven't had much to feel lately. i guess i just haven't been much lately. and while i'm dying to say something, nothing ever seems to be there. and then there's that song. or that poem. or that word. or that picture. and now there's you. and i feel it all again. all at once. but still, i don't know what to say. and i don't know what any of it means.

how is it that we can live our whole lives and still come to the end of them feeling like we only came to understand a small fraction of them? i know i haven't reached the end of mine, but if the trend continues, the more i live, the more i'll realize that i have so so much more to see from life and not nearly enough time to see it all. i don't know where i'm going with this, and perhaps its in the same circle i've been going in for years. i'll end up at the same place, but with new perspectives and new knowledge on certain things, only to travel down the same path again and again until i meet myself at the beginning for one last time. life is beautiful and life is fucked all at the same time.

i don't know how to believe in a lot of things right now, and yet i believe in them more than ever. god, love, people, myself. all i started with were these things and then i lost them all. now they are all i have. they will save me and destroy me, abandon me and heal me. i don't understand these things well enough yet. i've heard it said, 'if you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.' i think it's true. anything can be simple, and maybe everything is. i complicate the simplicity of life so i feel like i'm doing something. alive but not living. half the time. the other half i'm burning in it.

to feel nothing. to stand an arms length away from something so bright, so alive. death crumbles underneath it all and i feel no sense of loss. just amazement. and wonder. something is happening, and i can feel it. i can hear it. crackling. a low growl crawls as it's flames grow bigger and stronger. to feel everything. it's burning and i am still standing. alive and warm. and i feel it all again. all at once.

life on earth.

my ovaries hurt like a bitch today. is that too much information? well, welcome to being a woman i guess. it's a fact of life. blood makes me squeemish. okay. now, that's too much information. life really is such a miracle though. i guess i think about that at least once a month... when i'm curled in the fetal position writhing in pain. ha. it's just the thought of having my body someday holding and reproducing a living human that just completely shatters my mind space. i was reading an article today that said it was most likely possible that the human species was on the brink of extinction some 70,000 odd years ago. it said that at one point there were only about 2,000 humans left, living in africa. somehow they saved the human race and procreated, which leads us to our now booming population of around 8 billion living on planet earth? fascinating. also, they (and by they, i mean like scientists and stuff) said that they have traced the human genetic codes back to a single 'mitochondrial eve' from which we all sprang. seriously though, life is possibly the single most wondrous thing to be.

i have to go to a meeting now. please hold...

okay. now i'm in a computer lab being trained on how to set up new vendors. i feel like i'm back in college. i had this journalism class my junior year; i was so good at writing what i had to that i always finished before everyone else, and so i would spend half the class emailing and writing friends on aim. as good as my stuff was, i still managed to get only a 'c' in that class. maybe i wasn't as good as i thought. too bad.

anyway. i was reading this other article today, i did a lot of reading, and it was talking about the brightest places on earth from outer space. naturally, las vegas came in first on that one. then it talked about how these bright places are cause for 'light pollution'. basically, we generate an extra 38 million tons of carbon dioxide a year into the air by shining lights up towards heaven, rather than just at the things we need lit. seems to me we do this in a lot of ways when it comes to life. we shine pointless light towards things that lead nowhere, when really, if we conserved our energy and pointed it on the things that really mattered, we would see things a lot more clear. makes sense to me. and it doesn't seem like much of a coincidence that las vegas is the place wasting the most light. and i thank you; whoever you are for shedding light on this part of life.

life on earth is strange. how we live on this massive ball of earth sometimes baffles me. but again, the mere thought of life being possible at all boggles my existence.

thank you. and goodnight.

i've gone too far.

so, welcome to the 21st century. the age in which blogging is basically like having a cell phone; you have one or else you are considered old school and out of touch. but i'm afraid we, at least i, have perhaps gone too far. not only do i blog, but i have at least four different locations in which i do this trendy tradition. there's the original, which i started long before blogging was ever a fad. then there's the classic myspace blog, the blogspot blog (yep, this one), and then there's the newly introduced joint blog in which a small group of us have banded together to create a force stronger than the average one person, one voice blog. all of these can be found here:

the OG of blogs
myspace
the joint blog

some of these blogs overlap, and you can find many of the same entries on differing sites. maybe this is due to the 'i have trouble fully committing to just one thing slash there is always something better out there' attitude of our generation, in which case i have, though i hate admiting it, become a pathetic part of. what has become of us... of me? why must i feel that to blog is to somehow give meaning to this mysterious thing that i call my life? and does everybody else do it for this reason too? sometimes i think that we have all lost ourselves in this world of cyberness so much that the only way we can feel like we are still actually alive is to put our 'lives' up on these screens where they will actually be viewed from time to time; these places where those that choose to read will sit, if but for a moment, and spend time with us. even now, i feel as if i am somehow sitting down with a friend, you, to share some part of me that you might not have thought to stop and see otherwise. *sigh*

i can't keep up with this. what is happening here people? chances are you'll read this and then go blog about it, and i suppose i can't be too mad about it really...

to , forever

to , forever

a cold window, death will not forgo
crawling out skinny and slow
cut me loose to fall below
these hearts are strings we drag along

i wore my soul upon my song
a sound you've heard for so so long
twisting whiles have all proved wrong
these fools whose secrets now become

a picture hangs and starts to hum
the slow beginning to the end to come
threw our love among the sum
these crows that feed on you and i

stepping out to catch this goodbye
before these sails where we lived wither and die
building a fortress as our reply

these words, to , forever and free

a heart is beating.

a heart is beating
one two
and
the door breaks down

so darkness calls
but all is not dark
and your heart
it beats

one
two
one two

the fear inside
you'll know it better
take its hand
and walk

one
two
one two
one two

first you fall
but you're still
beating
one two

one
two

come back
find me, i'm beaten
my heart
its beating

one two
one
two
one two

our heart is beating
we're alive

one two one two
one two

i have discovered...

i have discovered that pablo neruda is one of the greatest poets to have ever existed. for example:

sonnet VIII
if your eyes were not the color of the moon,
of a day full [here, interrupted by the baby waking -- continued about 26
hours later ]
of a day full of clay, and work, and fire,
if even held-in you did not move in agile grace like the air,
if you were not an amber week,

not the yellow moment
when autumn climbs up through the vines;
if you were not that bread the fragrant moon
kneads, sprinkling its flour across the sky,

oh, my dearest, i could not love you so!
but when i hold you i hold everything that is --
sand, time, the tree of the rain,

everything is alive so that i can be alive:
without moving i can see it all:
in your life i see everything that lives.

are you even serious with those last three lines? my heart explodes. i am nothing. i am everything. i posted my favorite poem of his a while back called 'if you forget me'... as such-

everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

read it. i read his words to remind myself that there are human beings who have loved so deeply that this kind of beauty comes spewing out of them; and i long for it to spew out of me.

i have discovered that music and solitude can make me forget how small i am compared to the whole rest of the world.

i have discovered that edamame is one of the greatest and best things to eat. at all times. on any occasion. yay for soy beans.

i have discovered rooftop nights in the summer drinking beer and smoking cloves with timmy to be one of the most fun activities this side of heaven. ok. i can think of a few other things that are just as fun.

i have discovered that trying to come back to life requires good people and more beauty than my pathetic soul can handle. this also includes beers on stoops, laughing, cameras- of all kinds, birds flying, and otter pops, to name a few.

i have discovered that love is the best and worst thing we could ever be asked to do in life. and i have discovered that no matter how saving or how destroying it can be, i must have it to stay alive. i must have it to keep others alive. i have discovered that love can only enlarge us, and if it isn't, then it is not real love.

i have discovered many a thing yet to be discovered...

"everything is blooming most recklessly; if it were voices instead of colors, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night." -rainer maria rilke-

i have discovered that everything is blooming most recklessly... and i love it.

vegas, baby, vegas!

i'm in vegas this whole week 'on business' and it is ridiculous. i'm staying in the palms, home of the playboy suite, and fox basically has the whole entire 31st floor at our disposal, which includes the pimp ass suite of all awesomeness at the end of the hall. now, this suite is basically bigger than most peoples households and goes for about 35k a night. there's an infinity pool that hangs off the edge of the tower and a circular rotating bed; there's a whole wall that is a fountain and flows down into a pool of majesty inside overlooking the las vegas strip. there's a full bar and about 20 bathrooms and a few rooms; a sauna and some tread mills. what the eff. i don't even know where i am right now. oh yeah. vegas, baby, vegas! and i'm drunk. did i mention that? yea, that's right. it's only 7:30pm and i've already had at least 3.5 mixed drinks by the bartender johnny. johnny has lived here for 5 years and wants to be an actor. he's from chicago. how i know this, i'm not sure. perhaps i talk a lot when i'm tipsy. i also talked to one of the security men for a while and he was telling me all about all the wild and crazy celebrity parties that have gone on in this very suite and i was like, 'listen. i am from la. big woop.' he thought he was awesome though. i mean, maybe he was.

the things about vegas i have noted thus far:
- cute little granny's. i'm telling you. the number one fan's of slot machines are cute little wrinkly grandma's. it's adorable. but i'm sure if i were to take the time to try to talk to one of them i would come to find that they are heartless old hags who just pass the time playing slots while they try to avoid thinking about the fact that they are just... old.

- elevators. i'm on the 15th floor. therefore, to get up to the 31st and then back down to mine, i have to go all the way down, transfer elevators and then go back up. i don't mind this. but for one, the elevator music is bomb. i mean, we're talking jay-z and lil wayne, britney spears and freakin' 2pac. it's like a party every time i step into one of those things. last night, i stepped onto one elevator and was appalled at the strong scent of perfume that still lingered in that small little box. then, as i stepped onto the next, i was equally appalled that it too smelled of a different perfume. what's the deal? i mean, i'm not complaining, but seriously how much perfume is needed here ladies?

- i'm drunk.

thank you. and goodnight.

tonight i'll write.

tonight i'll write.  and i'll let these daunting melodies crawl down inside of me until i swallow them whole.  i'll try my hardest to do this before they become the ones actually swallowing me, though i fear they have already begun to.  tonight i'll write; i'll write until i disappear.  i'll write until i stop wondering what it is i even want to write.  and it's been so long since i've tried any of this.  sometimes i don't know who i am becoming; who i am; who i even want to be.  and sometimes i don't even know if i care anymore... or if i ever cared.  and how am i supposed to know?  how am i supposed to know what i am supposed to want for myself?  how am i supposed to know if you are right for me, or if i am right for you?  how am i supposed to know, when i feel like i don't know anything?  and am i really confused, or am i just pretending?  am i just afraid?  so what am i so afraid of?  and i can feel my legs go out from under me; i'm being swallowed.  swallowed by myself.  swallowed by a voice that screams a whispering cry so faint that all i can do is feel its ache.  i ache for you.  i ache for me; to know me.  my joys become you.  my fears are set free about you and i somehow make them grow.  just want me.  i want you, badly.  

tonight i'll write.  but my arms are next to go... and i'm swallowed.   

that is something.

maybe i feel this way because it's been far too long since i've actually spoken any words on what it is i'm really feeling.  what am i feeling?  i wish i could feel nothing.  i wish i could feel everything.  and i am.  nothing and everything.  love and hate.  happiness and sadness.  anger and joy.  peace and turmoil.  and i don't know what to keep and what to let go.  

and i hate it.  but i love it because it makes me hate.  and that is something.  

all at the same time.

a cup of coffee that causes overwhelming feelings of humanity. why can't i write anything? it's one of those nights, warm and cool all at the same time. i want to be near you, and i'm tired of missing you. and i feel so fucking alive right now that i just want to explode. alive and dead. all at the same time. and everything keeps on moving- the people on the street, the smoke from my lungs, the sun into the sea... and i feel like i don't know how to make myself big enough to mean anything. 

big hair and skinny jeans, a brown leather jacket and red ballet shoes. she's caught in an era long passed, but she's moving. and she leaves a trail of red wherever she goes. the piano plays under these big umbrellas. bamboo shades to keep the sun out. too much time to think and not enough room to fit it all. if i shut out all these words they'll only find another place hide, and then they'll speak there. maybe i'm crazy. maybe it's like this for everyone. too much and not enough. 

a constant conflict of true and false. all true and all a lie, all at the same time. and it's maddening.

shit.

shit. fuck even. its just one of those days. i feel ugly. not neccessarily on the outside, but from the inside. i feel like too much and not enough. too much for someone to know how to love well, but not enough to keep them captivated. not enough for anyone. and i fear there is no one on this earth that is capable of actually knowing how to handle me, or even wanting to; all my shit, all my fucked up thoughts and feelings and all the ways i carry around old hurts and old joys. i am a pile of battered faces. i am a heap of bruises. i am a mystery and i am a song that's been overplayed. shit.



there's something about love that i cannot enter into. not yet. and maybe never. its this deep, abysmal unknown, amazing, brutal, tear you to fucking shreds part of love that i just can't seem to grasp. and the deeper i go in allowing myself to love someone, to be loved back, the more and more i see this dark hole approaching, and it scares the hell out of me. because i know that it is both horrifying and glorious. i don't know if i am ready for that. the thought of reaching that point with another human being... well, it seems near impossible. i have never gotten so close to this realm of love as i am right now in my life. and even then, it is far from close. i feel too small for this. there must have been some kind of mistake. some kind of mixup in the creating of human kind, for this kind of love is too big. it's too big for anyone or anything to even begin to know how to be a part of. and so it ends up destroying us in every way. or maybe it doesn't. maybe it saves us in every way. my words stop here because i begin to linger on the edge of the unknown. i want to be destroyed. i want to be saved. i want to be completely engulfed and enraptured and compelled by this place of love. i want to find my home there. i have to. everything i thought i knew about love, i don't. everything i thought i knew about knowing how to love well, i don't. everything i thought i knew about letting myself be loved, i don't. my heart is a blank canvas. i am covered in red. i see something completely brand new. i never knew this kind of love was real; this kind that goes so far beyond friend love, family love. its a choice.

i am an empty name. i am a box of suggestions; an answer to a question never asked. shit.

cold hands, warm heart.

it's fa-reezing in here. fingers white and my toes are blue. cold hands, warm heart they say. cold heart, i'm a hands free human. a kid with no eyes. warm eyes. i eyes. goodbye my heart. overheated and oversized. hold my hands around my heart. barefoot truth all wrapped in threads. unsew my veins, the red runs free. warm hands, many hearts. one heart. it's mine it's mine, and it's growing. everythings tied together. with love.

i'll be your pocket, full of pictures. full of places we should be. warm and bright. fingers and toes. dip them lightly, the red runs free. two beats till morning, wake up next to you. one two, one two... one two. a chest that moves. a chest that speaks. a heart that beats. beat. beat it senseless and watch it leak. your heart, my heart. our heart. a pocket full of punches. a pocket full of love.

hang the gloves.

cold hands and warm hearts we have.

i have nothing to say.

wrote this a time ago...

i have nothing to say. i have nothing to say, and so i won't say it. i won't say that i'd like to soak all of the yellow out of the sun, or that if there were a way to trap a star and put it by my bedside i would. i won't say it. because i have nothing to say. nothing like the birds outside and nothing like the tapping of the raindrops on my windshield. i won't say that i don't have things all figured out and i won't say that i haven't found some peace, because i have nothing to say. nothing like your smile or the gold ring around your pupils, and nothing like the Life from your lips. i won't say it. i won't say that i'd like to fly with the birds even though i'm afraid of heights, or that i wish i had the courage to live the way i know i was made to. and i won't say that most days my heart feels like it is hanging outside of my chest and that my feet feel nothing of the ground beneath me. i have nothing to say. nothing of the happiness i am breathing; nothing of fear and nothing of being alive.

i have nothing to say. and so i won't say it.

love will save the world.

i should go to sleep. the morning always comes faster than i anticipate. but i have to write. what, i don't know. maybe nothing of any significance. maybe just some thoughts so i can actually get to sleep tonight. i don't know.

he'll be calling any moment now. its become a habit that i almost need in order to feel i've soaked up all i could from the day. but i think maybe i am changing. i don't know how to do this. i've been realizing a lot of things lately. the doozy is that i have never let myself believe that i can actually have the very best. and so i never have. i've almost allowed myself to go as far as not even being able to recognize what that is; what it means...to have the very best. it seems a foriegn concept still. my heart is a traitor. it has told me for far too long that to want anything greater for myself is asking too much; is asking for the absurd. it tells me that i can't go on. it convinces me to stay where i am and simply survive. well i say fuck that. i love my heart, but it can be a bitch sometimes. i've finally started telling it to only speak to me when it has something good to say. and i am finally listening. and the thing is, it has been saying these things all along. sometimes shouting, sometimes but quitely whispering.

and i see that when a thing is dead, it will speak death. when a thing is alive, it will speak life.

my heart is beating back to life. i hear it. and it hurts. but goodness does it feel wonderful. to see that i hold something the world needs is an amazing and terrifying thing, and frankly i've always thought this to be a rediculous thought. after all, i'm just a person. but there is something in me that must be unleashed. and it is banging louder than ever. i am beginning to love who i am. and loving this only expands the massive amounts of love i have inside of me to give other people. but this type of love scares me. it is far bigger than me. it can tear me apart and it can destroy lives... in the best way possible. and i want it to. and for once, i want this for myself. something has stirred me. someone has stirred me. and i suppose it is many things.

i don't know what i'm saying really. but my life is about to be destroyed. i can feel it. and i couldn't possibly be more thrilled about it. so come on love. come on life, hope, fear, joy, pain, darkness. i invite you in. for my heart is a place of wonder, and i've only just begun.

i was walking, and singing this song.

the candle is burning. the clock is blinking because of the fuse i blew this morning. a spider is on the wall. i hate spiders. the music is playing. a strum, a strum. a strum diddly umm. and i write this song...

you and me are two people
who like to sing songs
you and me are two people
who like to get along

i am tall, you are short
but you don't seem to mind
and you know i would like you
even if you were blind

you and me, you and me
we go together like a pair of peas
you and me, you and me
we go together like a pair of peas


there's a monster in my closet, so i open the door and step inside. you can't know the fear until you get to know it better. so we walked out hand in hand. i killed that spider, so you know. i'm getting older, and i think wiser. don't worry. i won't get too comfy. that happens and i never want to move; never want to get up. but the sun is rising and my eyes are shining. love has torn me apart. i love how this smile feels on my face.

you and me... we go together like a pair of peas, Life. oh pain, oh joy, oh light, oh dark, oh me, oh mess, oh love.. oh LIFE. i was walking, and singing this song...

doo doo a diddy
la la a doo-op do dee
you and me
we go together
coo coo a chim cha-ree

what are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?

There is no answer for you. Only the hope that you will see what has been there all along. There is no level of understanding to be gained before jumping. There is no formula, no trail already blazed. This will not be easy, but it will not be impossible either. Let go of all you've known. Throw away the fear, the doubt, the voice inside of you that tells you that you couldn't possibly have that which you know you were made for. Open your fists. Let yourself want the very best. It is the only way. Don't wait, move now. Move now, while your heart is stirring. Move now, when all you know is darkness. That black road will shine when once your foot falls upon it, and all will be illuminated.

so, what are you waiting for? if you're waiting for a sign; if your waiting for a word, a feeling, a clue, you are waiting aimlessly. if you are waiting for that person, that person you have used all along to steer your way, forget it. they have no answer for you here. if you are waiting to find yourself, if you are holding out until your life seems more managable, you will wait with no end. there is no time for waiting. you must move now. move now, while your passion is speaking. move now, though you feel alone. there are others who have walked where you long to go.

the eyes you have are good, let them see. want the unfathomable. think the loftiest of dreams and the highest of hopes and the purest of possibilities, and know that there exists something even greater than these. and it exists for you. the world waits at your feet...

what are you waiting for?