that was the worst christmas ever.

it rained the other night and i remembered that it was winter. sometimes i forget what time of year it is. it's always warm here.  christmas is over and i'm kind of glad about it.  not that i don't like christmas.  i love it.  but this year i didn't get to go home and i really just wanted it to be over as soon as possible.  but timmy was with me, and i am glad for that.  and while i didn't think this christmas would turn out to be much more than eating ramen in the living room of my empty house with timmy, it turned out to be surprisingly enjoyable.  we ended up going down to spend christmas eve and christmas day with some family friends in orange county.  there's nothing like a steak dinner and then mimosa's in the morning.  capped off with a grand christmas dinner and a $125 bottle of henessy.  i'm humbled by certain people's generosity.  i am humbled by love.  

whatever love is.  i think it is so many things.  it is the bag full of food given me on christmas day.  it is the letter in the mail from my far away sister.  it is the sitting in my living room with friends playing songs on our guitars for countless hours.  it is the phone call from my favorite boy.  it is the smile.  it is the hug in the hallway when no one is around.  it is the laughing until i can't breathe.  it is the crying.  it is the sun on my back.  it is the color in everything that lives.  it is something.. perhaps everything.  but i don't know what it is.  all i know is that i burst beside it.  one day i'll feel it again and i'll know how to give it away.  but right now i can only handle a little bit.  

i can't believe it's already 9 o'clock.  i haven't done a damn thing today.  literally.  now i'm sitting on the couch, writing this, and timmy is beside me on 'loudcrowd' dancing with girls that he thinks are cute.  but none of it is real.  i have never felt like i've wasted more of a day than i have today.  but i'm not entirely mad about it.  tomorrow we will go to the zoo and i am sure it will be a memorable time.  i think the last time i went to the zoo was before my teen years.  the cheyenne mountain zoo.  geeze, that zoo was so crappy.  but we loved it.  my favorites were always the giraffes.  and the elephants.  and the hippos.  

life is a strange thing.  it's almost a new year and i can only hope that it will be better than this last one.  man, 2008 was a doozy.  i fell in love, lost it.  made new friends, was more depressed than i ever imagined.  got a raise at work, and my car broke down 5 times.  all in all, i've learned more about myself and life this year than i have in my whole life combined.  i'm thinking 2009 is going to be life shattering.  so here's to having my life destroyed in the best way possible.

i cannot wait to go the zoo tomorrow.