i feel it all again.

i haven't written anything in a while. and i guess it's because i don't know what it is i would write. i haven't had much to say lately. i haven't had much to feel lately. i guess i just haven't been much lately. and while i'm dying to say something, nothing ever seems to be there. and then there's that song. or that poem. or that word. or that picture. and now there's you. and i feel it all again. all at once. but still, i don't know what to say. and i don't know what any of it means.

how is it that we can live our whole lives and still come to the end of them feeling like we only came to understand a small fraction of them? i know i haven't reached the end of mine, but if the trend continues, the more i live, the more i'll realize that i have so so much more to see from life and not nearly enough time to see it all. i don't know where i'm going with this, and perhaps its in the same circle i've been going in for years. i'll end up at the same place, but with new perspectives and new knowledge on certain things, only to travel down the same path again and again until i meet myself at the beginning for one last time. life is beautiful and life is fucked all at the same time.

i don't know how to believe in a lot of things right now, and yet i believe in them more than ever. god, love, people, myself. all i started with were these things and then i lost them all. now they are all i have. they will save me and destroy me, abandon me and heal me. i don't understand these things well enough yet. i've heard it said, 'if you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.' i think it's true. anything can be simple, and maybe everything is. i complicate the simplicity of life so i feel like i'm doing something. alive but not living. half the time. the other half i'm burning in it.

to feel nothing. to stand an arms length away from something so bright, so alive. death crumbles underneath it all and i feel no sense of loss. just amazement. and wonder. something is happening, and i can feel it. i can hear it. crackling. a low growl crawls as it's flames grow bigger and stronger. to feel everything. it's burning and i am still standing. alive and warm. and i feel it all again. all at once.