love will save the world.

i should go to sleep. the morning always comes faster than i anticipate. but i have to write. what, i don't know. maybe nothing of any significance. maybe just some thoughts so i can actually get to sleep tonight. i don't know.

he'll be calling any moment now. its become a habit that i almost need in order to feel i've soaked up all i could from the day. but i think maybe i am changing. i don't know how to do this. i've been realizing a lot of things lately. the doozy is that i have never let myself believe that i can actually have the very best. and so i never have. i've almost allowed myself to go as far as not even being able to recognize what that is; what it means...to have the very best. it seems a foriegn concept still. my heart is a traitor. it has told me for far too long that to want anything greater for myself is asking too much; is asking for the absurd. it tells me that i can't go on. it convinces me to stay where i am and simply survive. well i say fuck that. i love my heart, but it can be a bitch sometimes. i've finally started telling it to only speak to me when it has something good to say. and i am finally listening. and the thing is, it has been saying these things all along. sometimes shouting, sometimes but quitely whispering.

and i see that when a thing is dead, it will speak death. when a thing is alive, it will speak life.

my heart is beating back to life. i hear it. and it hurts. but goodness does it feel wonderful. to see that i hold something the world needs is an amazing and terrifying thing, and frankly i've always thought this to be a rediculous thought. after all, i'm just a person. but there is something in me that must be unleashed. and it is banging louder than ever. i am beginning to love who i am. and loving this only expands the massive amounts of love i have inside of me to give other people. but this type of love scares me. it is far bigger than me. it can tear me apart and it can destroy lives... in the best way possible. and i want it to. and for once, i want this for myself. something has stirred me. someone has stirred me. and i suppose it is many things.

i don't know what i'm saying really. but my life is about to be destroyed. i can feel it. and i couldn't possibly be more thrilled about it. so come on love. come on life, hope, fear, joy, pain, darkness. i invite you in. for my heart is a place of wonder, and i've only just begun.