tonight i'll write.

tonight i'll write.  and i'll let these daunting melodies crawl down inside of me until i swallow them whole.  i'll try my hardest to do this before they become the ones actually swallowing me, though i fear they have already begun to.  tonight i'll write; i'll write until i disappear.  i'll write until i stop wondering what it is i even want to write.  and it's been so long since i've tried any of this.  sometimes i don't know who i am becoming; who i am; who i even want to be.  and sometimes i don't even know if i care anymore... or if i ever cared.  and how am i supposed to know?  how am i supposed to know what i am supposed to want for myself?  how am i supposed to know if you are right for me, or if i am right for you?  how am i supposed to know, when i feel like i don't know anything?  and am i really confused, or am i just pretending?  am i just afraid?  so what am i so afraid of?  and i can feel my legs go out from under me; i'm being swallowed.  swallowed by myself.  swallowed by a voice that screams a whispering cry so faint that all i can do is feel its ache.  i ache for you.  i ache for me; to know me.  my joys become you.  my fears are set free about you and i somehow make them grow.  just want me.  i want you, badly.  

tonight i'll write.  but my arms are next to go... and i'm swallowed.