before i went to bed tonight, as i was looking at myself in the mirror just before washing my face clean of all my make-up, i thought to myself, "why is it that i always look the best right before i go to bed?" seriously though, more times than not, when i'm getting ready to wash my face and send it back to it's original state, i curse the night because 9 times out of 10 i look magnificent. i don't know what it is, and i have resolved that i may never know the answer, but there is something about that moment right before bed, when i know that no one else is going to see me, and it's like my face, just to spite me, becomes radiant and my make-up flawless, my hair perfectly in place and my cheeks rosy. what's the deal? so i had this idea (which i have yet to decide whether i will actually carry it out) to take a picture of myself every single night before i go to bed. and then someday, a year from now, perhaps 5 years from now, i will compose them all together in a video and, not only see myself age, but see myself age in my most beautiful moments. now that i think about it, it seems like a lot of work. but it also seems kind of intriguing. just for the mere the idea of it, really.
and still, i can't breathe out of my nose. but not just my nose, the left side of it. which is even more agitating. justin vernon, of bon iver, i have decided, is one of the most beautiful humans to ever live. not because i actually know him, or think he is physically attractive, but solely on the knowledge that when i listen to the music he makes, i feel like everything in the world is as it should be. what is that? what is it about certain things that does that? sometimes it's a song, sometimes it's a painting, or a poem, and sometimes its just a quiet day with the wind softly blowing across your face. whatever it is, i think i want to make people realize it; i want to make them feel that. to feel like they could do nothing wrong in that moment; like everything around them, everything inside of them and everything that makes up the small little world that they live in, for even just a moment, has become perfect. at peace. justin vernon's music, bon iver, does that for me. music, more often than not, does this for me.
a new year. what does that even mean? i find myself asking that a lot these days; sometimes after completely ridiculous instances, such as 'its a new year'. or such as 'would you like paper or plastic?' why do i even care what that means? 'i love you'. what does that even mean? i don't think i'll ever know what every little thing i encounter means in my lifetime. i had a dream the other night. i dreamt that me and jas climbed a mountain. when we got to the top, we discovered a beautiful cabin. smoke billowed out of the chimney. we went inside, entered the living room and suddenly wondered why we had climbed the mountain in the first place. but for some reason, we felt that there was a reason, and sure enough we remembered we had climbed the mountain to meet a great philosopher, a 'great mind' of our time. we waited in the living room and soon enough an old man came out from one of the rooms and joined us. knowing this was the man who we had been searching, we waited to hear what it was we had climbed and travelled all this way for. rather comedically, we all stood there, looking at each other, as if to say 'so, what do you have to tell me?' after a long awkward silent stare, it was as if we all realized, without having to say a word, the answer to all of our questions. we were asking 'what do you have to reveal to us, why did we come here?' and the old man's answer was 'you came here to see me.' with that, we left and made our trek back down the mountain. seems pretty cruel if you ask me. well of course we know we came to see you, are you crazy old man? i thought you were supposed to be some kind of brilliant philosopher here to tell us the key to life; the answer to the ever burning question, 'what does this all mean? what am i supposed to do with this.. this life i have been given?' and all you have for me is 'you came to see me'!?! real funny. but the more i think about it, this is exactly what we climbed that mountain to hear. and it was all we needed to hear. most times, when i am facing something in life, whether it be difficult or mysterious, painful or joyous, i find myself trying to figure out what comes next. i am always wanting to be one step ahead of life. if i could just see a little further into the future, then i would be more prepared, right? but if there's anything i've learned from this past year, from this dream, it is that i already know everything i need to know. i am here. i am alive. i have this moment. i have these eyes. i have this heart. i have this mind. and climbing up the mountain, as hard as it is, as many times as is necessary, when i get to the top, i have all i need. i don't need to know anything past what i am living, right now. and oh how the view changes on that mountaintop. i'm no longer looking only just above my own head, i am seeing everything below and around and above me. my perspective is broader here. i can seek the answers there and find them, as simple as they may be.
i want to be brave. brave enough to climb the mountain every day if need be. that's what life is. and this year is no different. so that's what it means.
god, this music is slaying me.
i'll breathe through my mouth tonight. and i'll stay alive just fine. 'i'm not really like this, i'm probably plightless, so i cup the window, i'm crippled and slow, for the agony i'd rather know..'
goodnight...
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