i just poured a bucket full of beautiful..

last night something magic happened. i can't explain it, and even if i tried to it wouldn't make sense, but i am now convinced that i am one of the most bizarre humans alive. here's what happened: i lied down on my couch and turned 'explosions in the sky' on in my headphones.. i have never been more captivated and slayed by any other music, ever, then i was in this moment. so as i lay there, the music blaring in my ears, i closed my eyes and i began to see the music dance in my mind. all of this is going to sound crazy, though i don't mind. i saw all kinds of things. i saw a dark black bird, it's wings spread wide and it was flying right for me. i tried opening my eyes to make it go away, but it wouldn't and so i frantically got out a notebook and a marker and started to draw. my eyes still closed, i drew what i saw. and it kept on coming. i drew the images the music made me see and i wrote the words that the music made me feel and when i opened my eyes to see what i had done, i was blown away. not only was it exactly like i saw it in my mind, but it was actually decipherable. there were some moments where my pen would move with the beats of the music i was hearing and when i opened to see what i had drawn it was a sun bursting with rays of light, almost as loud as the crashing of the cymbals in the song i had been listening to. some of these things make no sense. but some of these things i didn't even know i needed to say. and also, i was under the influence of a certain substance. so this is what came out...

writing #1:
i saw great visions i saw that i was flying and i haven't moved but i do this dance perfect and with grace and with each word my music flows from the leaks and cracks in my broken skin now the light inside can't help but win like the light leaks in the ocean cutting through such treacherous darkness monsters lurk just on the edge of it so you can only see the shadow of what your sins look like long skinny fingers reach and run trying to say just the right thing and with a bang they take back that wrong letter the things you shouldn't say though your mind is running with them and with a slow fade they'll stop in silence but i've never seen something so beautiful and i never thought that part of my heart could feel something and we're all in awe and the whole world is captivated i've never seen anything so beautiful and so it rises and rises each time seeing the brightest note in all the world its truth like the songs rolling off your tongue and when the light shines through those windows to that small little capsule we're sitting in under the sea all is illuminated even in the darkest of places

writing #2:
like buckets of paint all stacked up by the tree down the hillside and up the mountain be careful where you step the gold road is the safest you'll see and when you're at the top its god you'll see sitting big under the cross now sit inside for a while and look from such high places look what i have set here for you to see and open wide your eyes now paint what you see and paint it for me spill your color on something dead and watch how many people walk on what you made alive watch them walk right up to me and see and sit inside of me and smile at all they didn't see and now see more loudly than ever you sing to me and i know you love me but i don't i'm afraid you're hurting and i can't help you though its all i want to do and i know you're in there somewhere come out for me i won't push you to be what i know you can be though you can't see it now you have a lot of life in you and i know i'll be right there to see when you let it free

drawing #1:
all of these were drawn with my eyes completely closed. i drew what i saw in my head.. and when i opened them it sort of blew my mind, haha..




















"be free"
-when free you once again will see

drawing #2:






















"beat"
-beat beat beat, sing loud, .. (can't tell what i wrote)... fly free, beat- beat loud like the feathers as a bird flys, beat loud your wings, grow

drawing #3:




















"loved/rise"
-i saw things that night, things wild and free, loud and free screaming see see see- loved, one arm gone my wings will be, he loves me to make me beautiful, i broke my soul only to find my heart in one piece- rise, above the love your beauty sees its eyes as loud as the night, rise, no darkness beat the love (yes, i am high ha)

drawing #4:


















"life/sing love"
-i did incredible things i could not know how or why i did them, but i did. one two and pick my heart and last night i thought it would explode, i was alive and in pain not showing the huge life behind me, my bones are breaking, now i can feel, if this were a song you'd be red and brilliant, loud like the fire, it's a million degrees inside my heart, and i think it might explode, three four beat beat loud, now dance dance dance, step step, leap leap if you want to be free, i wanted you there to fly with me, so break down the door leave safety be, it's not as brave as you thought it would be, i'm moving slow and loud, nothing i see has gone, my eyes keep me, now you can't even see the darkness, it's not there anymore, so sing love, love it moves everything around it to remind them that they're alive and we move move, i just did incredible things, i didn't know how or why i did them, but i did.

play it again sam.

yesterday i went down to buzz coffee. it's just around the corner from my house and it is my favorite. especially when the sun is just about to dip beneath the city. it rests on the corner of beverly and stanley, both of which i have an aunt and an uncle named, ha. being on this corner provides for some very interesting people watching. just across the street is a jewish temple. across from that, a natural health food store. across from that, a post office and a park. most times when i come here i bring my macbook, to write. i bring my ipod, to get my heart full of beauty. and sometimes i'll bring my sketch book, to pass the time. these things, along with a perfect cup of coffee, make my world completely perfect. but sometimes when i come here, i bring nothing but a pack of cloves and a camera. a pack of cloves, to feel like i'm doing something, but mostly just to look awesome. a camera, because everything is beautiful. yesterday i just came with a pack of cloves. i got my cup of coffee, found a great table in the sun against the wall and let the night unfold. the thing is, what happens when i do this, when i just let things unfold, is that i am forced to face what has been unfolding all along... my own thoughts. my heart. the state of my effed up life. myself. and i pay attention to every little thing around me. well, i was paying attention to all of these things when an old jewish man pulled a chair up to my table and sat down.

'well hello,' i said, and smiled. he smiled back.

i can't leave. i have nothing in front of me, its just me, my coffee, and this clove. and now this old man. this is great. i'm going to wait this one out. i'm always secretly hoping that when i come to buzz i'll meet the most interesting person alive and leave having heard the most fantastic stories ever told. tell me a story old man. your weathered face and long grey beard already are.

'are you from LA?'

here we go. from that point on, i sat with sam, his name was sam, and for the next hour listened to him tell me stories of all his travels around the world. he was born in isreal and from the age of 17 had left home, a home in which was broken and marked with sickness, and begun to travel the world. now, in his old age, he had been almost everywhere. everywhere but australia. i asked him what his favorite place he'd ever been was and he said he loved belgium. but he had also just come from south africa and said that it was beautiful. before too long, in the midst of his story telling, he reached inside of his coat pocket and pulled out a little bag. 'do you smoke?' from there, he proceeded to roll a homemade joint, right outside the coffee shop, and then began to tell me about all the places he'd been that had good weed. i suppose i was a bit surprised by this. not only that, but he'd spent three days in a foreign prison in belgium for being caught with weed. he almost got in bad with the fbi in '85. he told me about what he called 'the miracle'; a time when he was being stopped in the jfk airport and about to be busted for having weed in his suitcase, when he suddenly saw an old jewish friend from LA that he hadn't seen in years. he said they looked at each other from across the room and the airport security somehow let him pass through. i am still trying to piece that one together.. and in my inability to do so, have to agree with sam that it was indeed, nothing short of a plain miracle.

how did i get here? this man's life is so freaking interesting i could explode. and here i am, sitting with him in LA somehow becoming a part of it all. life unfolds alright. right in front of my face, if only i'd stop and watch it every once and a while. something tells me i'll never see sam again. and if i'd had my camera, i surely would have taken his photo. but there are just some things in life, some people, and some moments, that i see now are only supposed to be lived. and nothing more.

and the point is, to live everything. and my heart explodes.

on another note, and on the same note entirely, i dreamt last night that my heart was literally about to explode. i could feel it getting bigger and bigger, more and more to the point of bursting, and no one could help me. i drug myself to a hospital it hurt so bad, barely able to breathe, and when i got there the doctor said, 'well, we could put a tube through your chest to deflate your heart a bit, but it won't help. it's only a matter of time before it explodes.' thanks. i'll just walk around with this excruciating pain then, knowing that at any moment my heart will burst into a million pieces. and this is just what i did. throughout the rest of my entire dream, i continued living out the days and nights events with a heart that was about to explode. everyone around me knew this about me, and because of it, made me live in a huge rv/tour bus, away from the rest of them. why they thought this would help, i have no idea. but there was a sadness around them, knowing that i was living with such pain. i was just annoyed that i was stuck in this rv. but they also looked at me like i had something they didn't, like they were almost jealous that my heart was going to explode and that nothing could be done about it. they were all closely watching me, while keeping their distance. i spent my days alone for the most part in my rv, occasionally going out to sit with other people that had heart problems. but their problems were all being helped. one guy was hooked up to a machine that kept his heart going. another had a tube helping him breathe. they knew they would keep on living even though they couldn't do anything but sit there and be kept alive. and so there i sat, my pain hiding but i was free to keep on living. i never died in my dream. and my heart never did explode. but i woke up feeling like it had...

so peel me, pull me, spit shine me, unwind me.

just is. it's summer, but it's really winter. my coffee is cold and i have twenty dollars. life is beautiful but i'm still asking why it's always gotta get me down. i'll write a handwritten letter for all your words. and still, it's only 10:30am. it sucks missing people you know you'll never see again. and even more so, missing people you see everyday. i'm afraid i felt my heart move, but mostly i'm just afraid i feel something. the edge of my bed is perfect for this singing. we all sit around tables and laugh our faces off. it seems nice and it is, having my sides hurt because of this happiness. i'm adoring you. and now none of this makes sense, i know. it's more of a pattern than a process. and now everything falls as it rises, and everything starts to bloom again. for once i want to be more than i thought i could be. and i will.

"take on my spine and spit shine it, pull on my heart and unwind it, fold my wings back off my shoulder blades, and peel me..." -feist-

so peel me, pull me, spit shine me, unwind me. you already have, really. and once you've got me all untangled, watch me fly.

and all of the sudden, the clouds broke..

the other day the sun came out to a 75* day and i remembered i was alive. i could feel my skin being slightly burned as i walked along the edge of the world, and i loved it. i saw a crab under the pier and i lost my breath jumping in the sand. i can feel every muscle in my body. being sore never felt so good. i like feeling alive. and my heart... i felt that too. beating against my sternum. if only it could get out; where would it go to? it's bursting. take a picture to remember this moment. you'll want to, trust me. and tonight i'll do the same, but only with my eyes. and that heart of mine; the one that just lept in that dark room beside you. now i'm alive. even if it's just for a moment. i'm smiling. count to three and i'll keep on walking.

and all of a sudden, the clouds broke... and my heart, it broke too. but now it's beating. so count to three and i'll keep this one close. i was alive, don't you see...

that night, a forest grew.

so, i got sick last weekend and in response all i did was lay on the couch and watch dexter all day. i really couldn't have made a better decision. it is SUCH a good show. well, somewhere along the way, among the countless episodes, was one titled, "that night, a forest grew". for whatever reason, those words really caught my attention. to me, there was something about them that was beautiful; something that made me want to burst a little. and so i wrote this:


that night, a forest grew
pulling up everything to make it new
put the heart where the arrows fly
piercing roots my love will lie
falling seeds from fingers sow
what heavy feet push below
forgotten by all save the sun
whose leaky light a vessel spun
spin her once to feel the pain
spin her twice and her ray will rain
seeping soil to grab the life
in darkness breeds breathing strife
now growing from what those feelings threw
that night, a forest grew

and then i made a song of it: that night, a forest grew



that night will come...

love.

what does that mean?

well, the sickness has finally caught me.  i'm laying here in bed, unable to sleep and unable to breathe out of my nose.  it's so agitating, to not be able to breathe the way i was designed to.  ugh.  this is going to be a long night.  

before i went to bed tonight, as i was looking at myself in the mirror just before washing my face clean of all my make-up, i thought to myself, "why is it that i always look the best right before i go to bed?"  seriously though, more times than not, when i'm getting ready to wash my face and send it back to it's original state, i curse the night because 9 times out of 10 i look magnificent.  i don't know what it is, and i have resolved that i may never know the answer, but there is something about that moment right before bed, when i know that no one else is going to see me, and it's like my face, just to spite me, becomes radiant and my make-up flawless, my hair perfectly in place and my cheeks rosy.  what's the deal?  so i had this idea (which i have yet to decide whether i will actually carry it out) to take a picture of myself every single night before i go to bed.  and then someday, a year from now, perhaps 5 years from now, i will compose them all together in a video and, not only see myself age, but see myself age in my most beautiful moments.  now that i think about it, it seems like a lot of work.  but it also seems kind of intriguing.  just for the mere the idea of it, really.  

and still, i can't breathe out of my nose.  but not just my nose, the left side of it.  which is even more agitating.  justin vernon, of bon iver, i have decided, is one of the most beautiful humans to ever live.  not because i actually know him, or think he is physically attractive, but solely on the knowledge that when i listen to the music he makes, i feel like everything in the world is as it should be.  what is that?  what is it about certain things that does that?  sometimes it's a song, sometimes it's a painting, or a poem, and sometimes its just a quiet day with the wind softly blowing across your face.  whatever it is, i think i want to make people realize it; i want to make them feel that.  to feel like they could do nothing wrong in that moment; like everything around them, everything inside of them and everything that makes up the small little world that they live in, for even just a moment, has become perfect.  at peace.  justin vernon's music, bon iver, does that for me.  music, more often than not, does this for me.  

a new year.  what does that even mean?  i find myself asking that a lot these days; sometimes after completely ridiculous instances, such as 'its a new year'.  or such as 'would you like paper or plastic?'  why do i even care what that means?  'i love you'.  what does that even mean?  i don't think i'll ever know what every little thing i encounter means in my lifetime.  i had a dream the other night.  i dreamt that me and jas climbed a mountain.  when we got to the top, we discovered a beautiful cabin.  smoke billowed out of the chimney.  we went inside, entered the living room and suddenly wondered why we had climbed the mountain in the first place.  but for some reason, we felt that there was a reason, and sure enough we remembered we had climbed the mountain to meet a great philosopher, a 'great mind' of our time.  we waited in the living room and soon enough an old man came out from one of the rooms and joined us.  knowing this was the man who we had been searching, we waited to hear what it was we had climbed and travelled all this way for.  rather comedically, we all stood there, looking at each other, as if to say 'so, what do you have to tell me?'  after a long awkward silent stare, it was as if we all realized, without having to say a word, the answer to all of our questions.  we were asking 'what do you have to reveal to us, why did we come here?'  and the old man's answer was 'you came here to see me.'  with that, we left and made our trek back down the mountain.  seems pretty cruel if you ask me.  well of course we know we came to see you, are you crazy old man?  i thought you were supposed to be some kind of brilliant philosopher here to tell us the key to life; the answer to the ever burning question, 'what does this all mean?  what am i supposed to do with this.. this life i have been given?'  and all you have for me is 'you came to see me'!?!  real funny.  but the more i think about it, this is exactly what we climbed that mountain to hear.  and it was all we needed to hear.  most times, when i am facing something in life, whether it be difficult or mysterious, painful or joyous, i find myself trying to figure out what comes next.  i am always wanting to be one step ahead of life.  if i could just see a little further into the future, then i would be more prepared, right?  but if there's anything i've learned from this past year, from this dream, it is that i already know everything i need to know.  i am here.  i am alive.  i have this moment.  i have these eyes.  i have this heart.  i have this mind.  and climbing up the mountain, as hard as it is, as many times as is necessary, when i get to the top, i have all i need.  i don't need to know anything past what i am living, right now.  and oh how the view changes on that mountaintop.  i'm no longer looking only just above my own head, i am seeing everything below and around and above me.  my perspective is broader here.  i can seek the answers there and find them, as simple as they may be.  

i want to be brave.  brave enough to climb the mountain every day if need be.  that's what life is.  and this year is no different.  so that's what it means.  

god, this music is slaying me.  

i'll breathe through my mouth tonight.  and i'll stay alive just fine.  'i'm not really like this, i'm probably plightless, so i cup the window, i'm crippled and slow, for the agony i'd rather know..'

goodnight...