that was the worst christmas ever.

it rained the other night and i remembered that it was winter. sometimes i forget what time of year it is. it's always warm here.  christmas is over and i'm kind of glad about it.  not that i don't like christmas.  i love it.  but this year i didn't get to go home and i really just wanted it to be over as soon as possible.  but timmy was with me, and i am glad for that.  and while i didn't think this christmas would turn out to be much more than eating ramen in the living room of my empty house with timmy, it turned out to be surprisingly enjoyable.  we ended up going down to spend christmas eve and christmas day with some family friends in orange county.  there's nothing like a steak dinner and then mimosa's in the morning.  capped off with a grand christmas dinner and a $125 bottle of henessy.  i'm humbled by certain people's generosity.  i am humbled by love.  

whatever love is.  i think it is so many things.  it is the bag full of food given me on christmas day.  it is the letter in the mail from my far away sister.  it is the sitting in my living room with friends playing songs on our guitars for countless hours.  it is the phone call from my favorite boy.  it is the smile.  it is the hug in the hallway when no one is around.  it is the laughing until i can't breathe.  it is the crying.  it is the sun on my back.  it is the color in everything that lives.  it is something.. perhaps everything.  but i don't know what it is.  all i know is that i burst beside it.  one day i'll feel it again and i'll know how to give it away.  but right now i can only handle a little bit.  

i can't believe it's already 9 o'clock.  i haven't done a damn thing today.  literally.  now i'm sitting on the couch, writing this, and timmy is beside me on 'loudcrowd' dancing with girls that he thinks are cute.  but none of it is real.  i have never felt like i've wasted more of a day than i have today.  but i'm not entirely mad about it.  tomorrow we will go to the zoo and i am sure it will be a memorable time.  i think the last time i went to the zoo was before my teen years.  the cheyenne mountain zoo.  geeze, that zoo was so crappy.  but we loved it.  my favorites were always the giraffes.  and the elephants.  and the hippos.  

life is a strange thing.  it's almost a new year and i can only hope that it will be better than this last one.  man, 2008 was a doozy.  i fell in love, lost it.  made new friends, was more depressed than i ever imagined.  got a raise at work, and my car broke down 5 times.  all in all, i've learned more about myself and life this year than i have in my whole life combined.  i'm thinking 2009 is going to be life shattering.  so here's to having my life destroyed in the best way possible.

i cannot wait to go the zoo tomorrow.      

iloveyou

i love you. i love you and i don't even want to. you make me want to throw up. and so i put you on mute while i lean over the toilet. and you don't even know. this conversation is ending. i love you. i love you and i can't even help it. you make my heart bigger. i was walking by the sea and thought you'd love it and i started crying. there's not enough room for you in my small little heart. i burst beside you. i love you. i love you and i don't even believe in it. you had me fooled. i would rather sleep alone then curled up beside you, waiting until you're gone. and these covers cast nothing but fire and brimstone. i am damned. i love you. i love you and i wont ever stop. you slay me from head to toe. i stand at arms length only not to lose you, and my arms go on forever. dig your fingers tighter. my heart is yours. and i love you. i love you i love you i love you.


*no. this is not about some boy or some lost love. it's not about you and it's not about me.*

i feel it all again.

i haven't written anything in a while. and i guess it's because i don't know what it is i would write. i haven't had much to say lately. i haven't had much to feel lately. i guess i just haven't been much lately. and while i'm dying to say something, nothing ever seems to be there. and then there's that song. or that poem. or that word. or that picture. and now there's you. and i feel it all again. all at once. but still, i don't know what to say. and i don't know what any of it means.

how is it that we can live our whole lives and still come to the end of them feeling like we only came to understand a small fraction of them? i know i haven't reached the end of mine, but if the trend continues, the more i live, the more i'll realize that i have so so much more to see from life and not nearly enough time to see it all. i don't know where i'm going with this, and perhaps its in the same circle i've been going in for years. i'll end up at the same place, but with new perspectives and new knowledge on certain things, only to travel down the same path again and again until i meet myself at the beginning for one last time. life is beautiful and life is fucked all at the same time.

i don't know how to believe in a lot of things right now, and yet i believe in them more than ever. god, love, people, myself. all i started with were these things and then i lost them all. now they are all i have. they will save me and destroy me, abandon me and heal me. i don't understand these things well enough yet. i've heard it said, 'if you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.' i think it's true. anything can be simple, and maybe everything is. i complicate the simplicity of life so i feel like i'm doing something. alive but not living. half the time. the other half i'm burning in it.

to feel nothing. to stand an arms length away from something so bright, so alive. death crumbles underneath it all and i feel no sense of loss. just amazement. and wonder. something is happening, and i can feel it. i can hear it. crackling. a low growl crawls as it's flames grow bigger and stronger. to feel everything. it's burning and i am still standing. alive and warm. and i feel it all again. all at once.