now we'll never know.

i layed my head down to rest, and now i can't find it. it's running. and fast. up and down. left. right. its even running in circles. just around and around. and around. its not getting anywhere in particular, but it feels like it is. and i'm not getting any rest. because with my head missing it's hard to know where the rest of me is at. so i lay my head down to rest. fill in the holes with sound. there's some ounce of direction in the noise. the beating drum. the humming strings. the empty body of wood holding it all, throwing it back out and soothing the air. the rhythm keeping time with each racing thought. and my head starts to move a little slower.

but it's running again. now we'll never know.

step outside, it's raining.

it's raining outside. it's been raining for three days now. it's december and it should be snowing. not raining. there's something heavy about rain. heavy.. not because it's water and the whole getting wet and everything part, but because everything is grey and yet somehow still inviting. and that's the thing about rain; it's not cold enough to turn those falling drops into gentle flakes. but it's not warm enough to make them evaporate into the hot steam found on a summer day. and so it's heavy. and the grey is heavy. like sunglasses over the sun. and my wet clothes make my shoulders sink a bit. and my feet are harder to pick up. and everything moves a little slower. and i just wish the clouds would move so the heat could soak it all up; so i could see a little better.

it's raining and it's christmas. well it doesn't feel like christmas when it's raining. and why does everyone have to say 'happy holidays'? i don't care if you celebrate hannuka or christmas, believe in jesus or saint nicholas. i'm going to say 'merry christmas' and 'happy hannuka' and 'merry kwanza' if i really want to. even mele kalikimaka. why do people have christmas anyway, if they don't believe that something amazing happened on that day?

i guess maybe i just have a lot on my mind tonight. and having a lot on my mind makes me aggitated. all those drops, tapping the windows like they're trying to get to me. break the glass. flood the living room. and i go under. now i'm just swimming in them, weightless. and feeling them swallow me makes me not feel a thing. maybe i should just open the door, slide up the windows, and wait. i'm soaking in them. and i don't know how long it will take for me to dry off. and it's just... heavy.

you're an idiot.

noodles. and butter. with some parmesan cheese. it was either that or some grits and lays bbq chips. or nutella. i should really head to the grocery store. if my brain had a grocery list, the top 5 things on it would be this:

1. storage space; enough for at least 10% increase in capacity
2. kill the incessant thinking
3. facts about how long you could survive if a wild mongoose attacked you and your carotid artery was punctured.. mildly, not fatally
4. dolla dolla bills y'all
5. food for the right side, sedatives for the left

yep. that list sounds about good. i guess maybe there are a lot of things i would like to pick up for my brain. a key. maybe if my brain had a key of sorts, then i could open it up and see what was really inside. i'd start with some clean-up first though. all those damn thoughts always sloshing around in there... i'd like to just take them out entirely. but i guess maybe some of them are useful. top 5, coming at you:

1. my room smells like syrup. hazlenut coffee syrupy goodness. i love that candle. good purchase, me.
2. i wish i could sing like lauryn hill.
3. pants.
4. pomogranate wine. i should have a glass. but i'd really like to eat some chocolate peanut butter ice-cream too. could this be a descent combo? what if i made a pomogranite wine, chocolate peanut butter float? gross. i just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
5. i feel like i'm too small for life sometimes. i mean, how am i supposed to know how to live when i've never done it before? funny how we only have one. i'd like to have a second chance to live, after i lived a first one, so that i could come back and throw some completely new things into the mix. actually, no. one life is good enough. i'm ready to get out of this 'ell 'ole.

yea. see. not too many good thoughts there. okay, good maybe, but not particularly useful. like, did you know that dust mites can't live in CO because it's too dry there? true fact. too bad i live in cali.

noodles. noodles don't have a lot of taste. i should have gone with grits and bbq chips. and nutella.

1. what an idiot
2. this blog is completly idiotic
3. grits and bbq chips would be totally disgusting and not the least bit nutritious, idiot
4. nutella is good.
5. dolla dolla bills y'all!
i'm an idot. i mean idiot. damn it.