as i fall asleep.

well, its a pretty significant night tonight. i'm writing this entire blog from my cell phone. its true. welcome to the new world... well, and welcome to the world where at&t doesn't work worth a shit and so the only way I can connect to the internet is through my magical cellular device. good one at&t. I am washing my hands of you.

so, i'm laying here in my bed in my dark room, nothing but the glow of this little screen lighting a 5 inch radius around my face and my arms are starting to ache from holding this up.. the small price I pay for such awesomeness. I can't sleep. and I just remembered that I should have taken a melatonin pill to get to sleep tonight. its too late now. i'm hoping this melatonin thing is the ticket among many attempted remedies to try to cure my inability to sleep well. from warm milk to reading, nothing has ever seemed to worked. well I don't know why i'm even elaborating on all of that. but it happened.

so, as of late, i've decided that I want to purchase a ukulele. I really think that this little musical delight would bring out some pretty great tunes in me. i've been realizing more and more that I wouldn't be mad if someone wanted to pay me to play music for them for the mere enjoyment of them listening to it and me enjoying playing it. when I play music and sing its like my world turns to color and those colors start to dance around me. life seems a little smaller and I feel as if I can do almost anything. and all I want to do is create. every thing I love: music, pictures, art, words, beauty, you.. all become melded together until all I can see is this uncontrollable ball of disastrous beauty that just keeps getting bigger and bigger the more I keep moving. I didn't even know I could do half of the things I can do.

last night was good. I didn't sleep, but I didn't care because my heart was full of life and I finally learned how to start enjoying who I am, not for the love I can get in return, but simply for the enjoyment of being alive and being loved by the one who made me. finally I was able to stop, if even for just a night, craving the attention and affirmation of all those who I thought could define some part of me. its a beautiful thing to realize that I am a kick ass person and to enjoy that fact. haha. and in turn, in doing so, I was able to enjoy those around me in a way I hadn't been able to in so long. life is mysterious and full of color.

I think i'm getting a little sleepy. maybe i've found a cure. thank you technology. the glow-in-the dark stars on my ceiling are all used up now. the constellations have disappeared and the night is whispering its endless call into the land of dreams and darkness.

I am falling asleep...