that was the worst christmas ever.

it rained the other night and i remembered that it was winter. sometimes i forget what time of year it is. it's always warm here.  christmas is over and i'm kind of glad about it.  not that i don't like christmas.  i love it.  but this year i didn't get to go home and i really just wanted it to be over as soon as possible.  but timmy was with me, and i am glad for that.  and while i didn't think this christmas would turn out to be much more than eating ramen in the living room of my empty house with timmy, it turned out to be surprisingly enjoyable.  we ended up going down to spend christmas eve and christmas day with some family friends in orange county.  there's nothing like a steak dinner and then mimosa's in the morning.  capped off with a grand christmas dinner and a $125 bottle of henessy.  i'm humbled by certain people's generosity.  i am humbled by love.  

whatever love is.  i think it is so many things.  it is the bag full of food given me on christmas day.  it is the letter in the mail from my far away sister.  it is the sitting in my living room with friends playing songs on our guitars for countless hours.  it is the phone call from my favorite boy.  it is the smile.  it is the hug in the hallway when no one is around.  it is the laughing until i can't breathe.  it is the crying.  it is the sun on my back.  it is the color in everything that lives.  it is something.. perhaps everything.  but i don't know what it is.  all i know is that i burst beside it.  one day i'll feel it again and i'll know how to give it away.  but right now i can only handle a little bit.  

i can't believe it's already 9 o'clock.  i haven't done a damn thing today.  literally.  now i'm sitting on the couch, writing this, and timmy is beside me on 'loudcrowd' dancing with girls that he thinks are cute.  but none of it is real.  i have never felt like i've wasted more of a day than i have today.  but i'm not entirely mad about it.  tomorrow we will go to the zoo and i am sure it will be a memorable time.  i think the last time i went to the zoo was before my teen years.  the cheyenne mountain zoo.  geeze, that zoo was so crappy.  but we loved it.  my favorites were always the giraffes.  and the elephants.  and the hippos.  

life is a strange thing.  it's almost a new year and i can only hope that it will be better than this last one.  man, 2008 was a doozy.  i fell in love, lost it.  made new friends, was more depressed than i ever imagined.  got a raise at work, and my car broke down 5 times.  all in all, i've learned more about myself and life this year than i have in my whole life combined.  i'm thinking 2009 is going to be life shattering.  so here's to having my life destroyed in the best way possible.

i cannot wait to go the zoo tomorrow.      

iloveyou

i love you. i love you and i don't even want to. you make me want to throw up. and so i put you on mute while i lean over the toilet. and you don't even know. this conversation is ending. i love you. i love you and i can't even help it. you make my heart bigger. i was walking by the sea and thought you'd love it and i started crying. there's not enough room for you in my small little heart. i burst beside you. i love you. i love you and i don't even believe in it. you had me fooled. i would rather sleep alone then curled up beside you, waiting until you're gone. and these covers cast nothing but fire and brimstone. i am damned. i love you. i love you and i wont ever stop. you slay me from head to toe. i stand at arms length only not to lose you, and my arms go on forever. dig your fingers tighter. my heart is yours. and i love you. i love you i love you i love you.


*no. this is not about some boy or some lost love. it's not about you and it's not about me.*

i feel it all again.

i haven't written anything in a while. and i guess it's because i don't know what it is i would write. i haven't had much to say lately. i haven't had much to feel lately. i guess i just haven't been much lately. and while i'm dying to say something, nothing ever seems to be there. and then there's that song. or that poem. or that word. or that picture. and now there's you. and i feel it all again. all at once. but still, i don't know what to say. and i don't know what any of it means.

how is it that we can live our whole lives and still come to the end of them feeling like we only came to understand a small fraction of them? i know i haven't reached the end of mine, but if the trend continues, the more i live, the more i'll realize that i have so so much more to see from life and not nearly enough time to see it all. i don't know where i'm going with this, and perhaps its in the same circle i've been going in for years. i'll end up at the same place, but with new perspectives and new knowledge on certain things, only to travel down the same path again and again until i meet myself at the beginning for one last time. life is beautiful and life is fucked all at the same time.

i don't know how to believe in a lot of things right now, and yet i believe in them more than ever. god, love, people, myself. all i started with were these things and then i lost them all. now they are all i have. they will save me and destroy me, abandon me and heal me. i don't understand these things well enough yet. i've heard it said, 'if you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.' i think it's true. anything can be simple, and maybe everything is. i complicate the simplicity of life so i feel like i'm doing something. alive but not living. half the time. the other half i'm burning in it.

to feel nothing. to stand an arms length away from something so bright, so alive. death crumbles underneath it all and i feel no sense of loss. just amazement. and wonder. something is happening, and i can feel it. i can hear it. crackling. a low growl crawls as it's flames grow bigger and stronger. to feel everything. it's burning and i am still standing. alive and warm. and i feel it all again. all at once.

life on earth.

my ovaries hurt like a bitch today. is that too much information? well, welcome to being a woman i guess. it's a fact of life. blood makes me squeemish. okay. now, that's too much information. life really is such a miracle though. i guess i think about that at least once a month... when i'm curled in the fetal position writhing in pain. ha. it's just the thought of having my body someday holding and reproducing a living human that just completely shatters my mind space. i was reading an article today that said it was most likely possible that the human species was on the brink of extinction some 70,000 odd years ago. it said that at one point there were only about 2,000 humans left, living in africa. somehow they saved the human race and procreated, which leads us to our now booming population of around 8 billion living on planet earth? fascinating. also, they (and by they, i mean like scientists and stuff) said that they have traced the human genetic codes back to a single 'mitochondrial eve' from which we all sprang. seriously though, life is possibly the single most wondrous thing to be.

i have to go to a meeting now. please hold...

okay. now i'm in a computer lab being trained on how to set up new vendors. i feel like i'm back in college. i had this journalism class my junior year; i was so good at writing what i had to that i always finished before everyone else, and so i would spend half the class emailing and writing friends on aim. as good as my stuff was, i still managed to get only a 'c' in that class. maybe i wasn't as good as i thought. too bad.

anyway. i was reading this other article today, i did a lot of reading, and it was talking about the brightest places on earth from outer space. naturally, las vegas came in first on that one. then it talked about how these bright places are cause for 'light pollution'. basically, we generate an extra 38 million tons of carbon dioxide a year into the air by shining lights up towards heaven, rather than just at the things we need lit. seems to me we do this in a lot of ways when it comes to life. we shine pointless light towards things that lead nowhere, when really, if we conserved our energy and pointed it on the things that really mattered, we would see things a lot more clear. makes sense to me. and it doesn't seem like much of a coincidence that las vegas is the place wasting the most light. and i thank you; whoever you are for shedding light on this part of life.

life on earth is strange. how we live on this massive ball of earth sometimes baffles me. but again, the mere thought of life being possible at all boggles my existence.

thank you. and goodnight.

i've gone too far.

so, welcome to the 21st century. the age in which blogging is basically like having a cell phone; you have one or else you are considered old school and out of touch. but i'm afraid we, at least i, have perhaps gone too far. not only do i blog, but i have at least four different locations in which i do this trendy tradition. there's the original, which i started long before blogging was ever a fad. then there's the classic myspace blog, the blogspot blog (yep, this one), and then there's the newly introduced joint blog in which a small group of us have banded together to create a force stronger than the average one person, one voice blog. all of these can be found here:

the OG of blogs
myspace
the joint blog

some of these blogs overlap, and you can find many of the same entries on differing sites. maybe this is due to the 'i have trouble fully committing to just one thing slash there is always something better out there' attitude of our generation, in which case i have, though i hate admiting it, become a pathetic part of. what has become of us... of me? why must i feel that to blog is to somehow give meaning to this mysterious thing that i call my life? and does everybody else do it for this reason too? sometimes i think that we have all lost ourselves in this world of cyberness so much that the only way we can feel like we are still actually alive is to put our 'lives' up on these screens where they will actually be viewed from time to time; these places where those that choose to read will sit, if but for a moment, and spend time with us. even now, i feel as if i am somehow sitting down with a friend, you, to share some part of me that you might not have thought to stop and see otherwise. *sigh*

i can't keep up with this. what is happening here people? chances are you'll read this and then go blog about it, and i suppose i can't be too mad about it really...

to , forever

to , forever

a cold window, death will not forgo
crawling out skinny and slow
cut me loose to fall below
these hearts are strings we drag along

i wore my soul upon my song
a sound you've heard for so so long
twisting whiles have all proved wrong
these fools whose secrets now become

a picture hangs and starts to hum
the slow beginning to the end to come
threw our love among the sum
these crows that feed on you and i

stepping out to catch this goodbye
before these sails where we lived wither and die
building a fortress as our reply

these words, to , forever and free

a heart is beating.

a heart is beating
one two
and
the door breaks down

so darkness calls
but all is not dark
and your heart
it beats

one
two
one two

the fear inside
you'll know it better
take its hand
and walk

one
two
one two
one two

first you fall
but you're still
beating
one two

one
two

come back
find me, i'm beaten
my heart
its beating

one two
one
two
one two

our heart is beating
we're alive

one two one two
one two

i have discovered...

i have discovered that pablo neruda is one of the greatest poets to have ever existed. for example:

sonnet VIII
if your eyes were not the color of the moon,
of a day full [here, interrupted by the baby waking -- continued about 26
hours later ]
of a day full of clay, and work, and fire,
if even held-in you did not move in agile grace like the air,
if you were not an amber week,

not the yellow moment
when autumn climbs up through the vines;
if you were not that bread the fragrant moon
kneads, sprinkling its flour across the sky,

oh, my dearest, i could not love you so!
but when i hold you i hold everything that is --
sand, time, the tree of the rain,

everything is alive so that i can be alive:
without moving i can see it all:
in your life i see everything that lives.

are you even serious with those last three lines? my heart explodes. i am nothing. i am everything. i posted my favorite poem of his a while back called 'if you forget me'... as such-

everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

read it. i read his words to remind myself that there are human beings who have loved so deeply that this kind of beauty comes spewing out of them; and i long for it to spew out of me.

i have discovered that music and solitude can make me forget how small i am compared to the whole rest of the world.

i have discovered that edamame is one of the greatest and best things to eat. at all times. on any occasion. yay for soy beans.

i have discovered rooftop nights in the summer drinking beer and smoking cloves with timmy to be one of the most fun activities this side of heaven. ok. i can think of a few other things that are just as fun.

i have discovered that trying to come back to life requires good people and more beauty than my pathetic soul can handle. this also includes beers on stoops, laughing, cameras- of all kinds, birds flying, and otter pops, to name a few.

i have discovered that love is the best and worst thing we could ever be asked to do in life. and i have discovered that no matter how saving or how destroying it can be, i must have it to stay alive. i must have it to keep others alive. i have discovered that love can only enlarge us, and if it isn't, then it is not real love.

i have discovered many a thing yet to be discovered...

"everything is blooming most recklessly; if it were voices instead of colors, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night." -rainer maria rilke-

i have discovered that everything is blooming most recklessly... and i love it.