and all of the sudden, the clouds broke..

the other day the sun came out to a 75* day and i remembered i was alive. i could feel my skin being slightly burned as i walked along the edge of the world, and i loved it. i saw a crab under the pier and i lost my breath jumping in the sand. i can feel every muscle in my body. being sore never felt so good. i like feeling alive. and my heart... i felt that too. beating against my sternum. if only it could get out; where would it go to? it's bursting. take a picture to remember this moment. you'll want to, trust me. and tonight i'll do the same, but only with my eyes. and that heart of mine; the one that just lept in that dark room beside you. now i'm alive. even if it's just for a moment. i'm smiling. count to three and i'll keep on walking.

and all of a sudden, the clouds broke... and my heart, it broke too. but now it's beating. so count to three and i'll keep this one close. i was alive, don't you see...

that night, a forest grew.

so, i got sick last weekend and in response all i did was lay on the couch and watch dexter all day. i really couldn't have made a better decision. it is SUCH a good show. well, somewhere along the way, among the countless episodes, was one titled, "that night, a forest grew". for whatever reason, those words really caught my attention. to me, there was something about them that was beautiful; something that made me want to burst a little. and so i wrote this:


that night, a forest grew
pulling up everything to make it new
put the heart where the arrows fly
piercing roots my love will lie
falling seeds from fingers sow
what heavy feet push below
forgotten by all save the sun
whose leaky light a vessel spun
spin her once to feel the pain
spin her twice and her ray will rain
seeping soil to grab the life
in darkness breeds breathing strife
now growing from what those feelings threw
that night, a forest grew

and then i made a song of it: that night, a forest grew



that night will come...

love.

what does that mean?

well, the sickness has finally caught me.  i'm laying here in bed, unable to sleep and unable to breathe out of my nose.  it's so agitating, to not be able to breathe the way i was designed to.  ugh.  this is going to be a long night.  

before i went to bed tonight, as i was looking at myself in the mirror just before washing my face clean of all my make-up, i thought to myself, "why is it that i always look the best right before i go to bed?"  seriously though, more times than not, when i'm getting ready to wash my face and send it back to it's original state, i curse the night because 9 times out of 10 i look magnificent.  i don't know what it is, and i have resolved that i may never know the answer, but there is something about that moment right before bed, when i know that no one else is going to see me, and it's like my face, just to spite me, becomes radiant and my make-up flawless, my hair perfectly in place and my cheeks rosy.  what's the deal?  so i had this idea (which i have yet to decide whether i will actually carry it out) to take a picture of myself every single night before i go to bed.  and then someday, a year from now, perhaps 5 years from now, i will compose them all together in a video and, not only see myself age, but see myself age in my most beautiful moments.  now that i think about it, it seems like a lot of work.  but it also seems kind of intriguing.  just for the mere the idea of it, really.  

and still, i can't breathe out of my nose.  but not just my nose, the left side of it.  which is even more agitating.  justin vernon, of bon iver, i have decided, is one of the most beautiful humans to ever live.  not because i actually know him, or think he is physically attractive, but solely on the knowledge that when i listen to the music he makes, i feel like everything in the world is as it should be.  what is that?  what is it about certain things that does that?  sometimes it's a song, sometimes it's a painting, or a poem, and sometimes its just a quiet day with the wind softly blowing across your face.  whatever it is, i think i want to make people realize it; i want to make them feel that.  to feel like they could do nothing wrong in that moment; like everything around them, everything inside of them and everything that makes up the small little world that they live in, for even just a moment, has become perfect.  at peace.  justin vernon's music, bon iver, does that for me.  music, more often than not, does this for me.  

a new year.  what does that even mean?  i find myself asking that a lot these days; sometimes after completely ridiculous instances, such as 'its a new year'.  or such as 'would you like paper or plastic?'  why do i even care what that means?  'i love you'.  what does that even mean?  i don't think i'll ever know what every little thing i encounter means in my lifetime.  i had a dream the other night.  i dreamt that me and jas climbed a mountain.  when we got to the top, we discovered a beautiful cabin.  smoke billowed out of the chimney.  we went inside, entered the living room and suddenly wondered why we had climbed the mountain in the first place.  but for some reason, we felt that there was a reason, and sure enough we remembered we had climbed the mountain to meet a great philosopher, a 'great mind' of our time.  we waited in the living room and soon enough an old man came out from one of the rooms and joined us.  knowing this was the man who we had been searching, we waited to hear what it was we had climbed and travelled all this way for.  rather comedically, we all stood there, looking at each other, as if to say 'so, what do you have to tell me?'  after a long awkward silent stare, it was as if we all realized, without having to say a word, the answer to all of our questions.  we were asking 'what do you have to reveal to us, why did we come here?'  and the old man's answer was 'you came here to see me.'  with that, we left and made our trek back down the mountain.  seems pretty cruel if you ask me.  well of course we know we came to see you, are you crazy old man?  i thought you were supposed to be some kind of brilliant philosopher here to tell us the key to life; the answer to the ever burning question, 'what does this all mean?  what am i supposed to do with this.. this life i have been given?'  and all you have for me is 'you came to see me'!?!  real funny.  but the more i think about it, this is exactly what we climbed that mountain to hear.  and it was all we needed to hear.  most times, when i am facing something in life, whether it be difficult or mysterious, painful or joyous, i find myself trying to figure out what comes next.  i am always wanting to be one step ahead of life.  if i could just see a little further into the future, then i would be more prepared, right?  but if there's anything i've learned from this past year, from this dream, it is that i already know everything i need to know.  i am here.  i am alive.  i have this moment.  i have these eyes.  i have this heart.  i have this mind.  and climbing up the mountain, as hard as it is, as many times as is necessary, when i get to the top, i have all i need.  i don't need to know anything past what i am living, right now.  and oh how the view changes on that mountaintop.  i'm no longer looking only just above my own head, i am seeing everything below and around and above me.  my perspective is broader here.  i can seek the answers there and find them, as simple as they may be.  

i want to be brave.  brave enough to climb the mountain every day if need be.  that's what life is.  and this year is no different.  so that's what it means.  

god, this music is slaying me.  

i'll breathe through my mouth tonight.  and i'll stay alive just fine.  'i'm not really like this, i'm probably plightless, so i cup the window, i'm crippled and slow, for the agony i'd rather know..'

goodnight... 

       

that was the worst christmas ever.

it rained the other night and i remembered that it was winter. sometimes i forget what time of year it is. it's always warm here.  christmas is over and i'm kind of glad about it.  not that i don't like christmas.  i love it.  but this year i didn't get to go home and i really just wanted it to be over as soon as possible.  but timmy was with me, and i am glad for that.  and while i didn't think this christmas would turn out to be much more than eating ramen in the living room of my empty house with timmy, it turned out to be surprisingly enjoyable.  we ended up going down to spend christmas eve and christmas day with some family friends in orange county.  there's nothing like a steak dinner and then mimosa's in the morning.  capped off with a grand christmas dinner and a $125 bottle of henessy.  i'm humbled by certain people's generosity.  i am humbled by love.  

whatever love is.  i think it is so many things.  it is the bag full of food given me on christmas day.  it is the letter in the mail from my far away sister.  it is the sitting in my living room with friends playing songs on our guitars for countless hours.  it is the phone call from my favorite boy.  it is the smile.  it is the hug in the hallway when no one is around.  it is the laughing until i can't breathe.  it is the crying.  it is the sun on my back.  it is the color in everything that lives.  it is something.. perhaps everything.  but i don't know what it is.  all i know is that i burst beside it.  one day i'll feel it again and i'll know how to give it away.  but right now i can only handle a little bit.  

i can't believe it's already 9 o'clock.  i haven't done a damn thing today.  literally.  now i'm sitting on the couch, writing this, and timmy is beside me on 'loudcrowd' dancing with girls that he thinks are cute.  but none of it is real.  i have never felt like i've wasted more of a day than i have today.  but i'm not entirely mad about it.  tomorrow we will go to the zoo and i am sure it will be a memorable time.  i think the last time i went to the zoo was before my teen years.  the cheyenne mountain zoo.  geeze, that zoo was so crappy.  but we loved it.  my favorites were always the giraffes.  and the elephants.  and the hippos.  

life is a strange thing.  it's almost a new year and i can only hope that it will be better than this last one.  man, 2008 was a doozy.  i fell in love, lost it.  made new friends, was more depressed than i ever imagined.  got a raise at work, and my car broke down 5 times.  all in all, i've learned more about myself and life this year than i have in my whole life combined.  i'm thinking 2009 is going to be life shattering.  so here's to having my life destroyed in the best way possible.

i cannot wait to go the zoo tomorrow.      

iloveyou

i love you. i love you and i don't even want to. you make me want to throw up. and so i put you on mute while i lean over the toilet. and you don't even know. this conversation is ending. i love you. i love you and i can't even help it. you make my heart bigger. i was walking by the sea and thought you'd love it and i started crying. there's not enough room for you in my small little heart. i burst beside you. i love you. i love you and i don't even believe in it. you had me fooled. i would rather sleep alone then curled up beside you, waiting until you're gone. and these covers cast nothing but fire and brimstone. i am damned. i love you. i love you and i wont ever stop. you slay me from head to toe. i stand at arms length only not to lose you, and my arms go on forever. dig your fingers tighter. my heart is yours. and i love you. i love you i love you i love you.


*no. this is not about some boy or some lost love. it's not about you and it's not about me.*

i feel it all again.

i haven't written anything in a while. and i guess it's because i don't know what it is i would write. i haven't had much to say lately. i haven't had much to feel lately. i guess i just haven't been much lately. and while i'm dying to say something, nothing ever seems to be there. and then there's that song. or that poem. or that word. or that picture. and now there's you. and i feel it all again. all at once. but still, i don't know what to say. and i don't know what any of it means.

how is it that we can live our whole lives and still come to the end of them feeling like we only came to understand a small fraction of them? i know i haven't reached the end of mine, but if the trend continues, the more i live, the more i'll realize that i have so so much more to see from life and not nearly enough time to see it all. i don't know where i'm going with this, and perhaps its in the same circle i've been going in for years. i'll end up at the same place, but with new perspectives and new knowledge on certain things, only to travel down the same path again and again until i meet myself at the beginning for one last time. life is beautiful and life is fucked all at the same time.

i don't know how to believe in a lot of things right now, and yet i believe in them more than ever. god, love, people, myself. all i started with were these things and then i lost them all. now they are all i have. they will save me and destroy me, abandon me and heal me. i don't understand these things well enough yet. i've heard it said, 'if you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.' i think it's true. anything can be simple, and maybe everything is. i complicate the simplicity of life so i feel like i'm doing something. alive but not living. half the time. the other half i'm burning in it.

to feel nothing. to stand an arms length away from something so bright, so alive. death crumbles underneath it all and i feel no sense of loss. just amazement. and wonder. something is happening, and i can feel it. i can hear it. crackling. a low growl crawls as it's flames grow bigger and stronger. to feel everything. it's burning and i am still standing. alive and warm. and i feel it all again. all at once.

life on earth.

my ovaries hurt like a bitch today. is that too much information? well, welcome to being a woman i guess. it's a fact of life. blood makes me squeemish. okay. now, that's too much information. life really is such a miracle though. i guess i think about that at least once a month... when i'm curled in the fetal position writhing in pain. ha. it's just the thought of having my body someday holding and reproducing a living human that just completely shatters my mind space. i was reading an article today that said it was most likely possible that the human species was on the brink of extinction some 70,000 odd years ago. it said that at one point there were only about 2,000 humans left, living in africa. somehow they saved the human race and procreated, which leads us to our now booming population of around 8 billion living on planet earth? fascinating. also, they (and by they, i mean like scientists and stuff) said that they have traced the human genetic codes back to a single 'mitochondrial eve' from which we all sprang. seriously though, life is possibly the single most wondrous thing to be.

i have to go to a meeting now. please hold...

okay. now i'm in a computer lab being trained on how to set up new vendors. i feel like i'm back in college. i had this journalism class my junior year; i was so good at writing what i had to that i always finished before everyone else, and so i would spend half the class emailing and writing friends on aim. as good as my stuff was, i still managed to get only a 'c' in that class. maybe i wasn't as good as i thought. too bad.

anyway. i was reading this other article today, i did a lot of reading, and it was talking about the brightest places on earth from outer space. naturally, las vegas came in first on that one. then it talked about how these bright places are cause for 'light pollution'. basically, we generate an extra 38 million tons of carbon dioxide a year into the air by shining lights up towards heaven, rather than just at the things we need lit. seems to me we do this in a lot of ways when it comes to life. we shine pointless light towards things that lead nowhere, when really, if we conserved our energy and pointed it on the things that really mattered, we would see things a lot more clear. makes sense to me. and it doesn't seem like much of a coincidence that las vegas is the place wasting the most light. and i thank you; whoever you are for shedding light on this part of life.

life on earth is strange. how we live on this massive ball of earth sometimes baffles me. but again, the mere thought of life being possible at all boggles my existence.

thank you. and goodnight.

i've gone too far.

so, welcome to the 21st century. the age in which blogging is basically like having a cell phone; you have one or else you are considered old school and out of touch. but i'm afraid we, at least i, have perhaps gone too far. not only do i blog, but i have at least four different locations in which i do this trendy tradition. there's the original, which i started long before blogging was ever a fad. then there's the classic myspace blog, the blogspot blog (yep, this one), and then there's the newly introduced joint blog in which a small group of us have banded together to create a force stronger than the average one person, one voice blog. all of these can be found here:

the OG of blogs
myspace
the joint blog

some of these blogs overlap, and you can find many of the same entries on differing sites. maybe this is due to the 'i have trouble fully committing to just one thing slash there is always something better out there' attitude of our generation, in which case i have, though i hate admiting it, become a pathetic part of. what has become of us... of me? why must i feel that to blog is to somehow give meaning to this mysterious thing that i call my life? and does everybody else do it for this reason too? sometimes i think that we have all lost ourselves in this world of cyberness so much that the only way we can feel like we are still actually alive is to put our 'lives' up on these screens where they will actually be viewed from time to time; these places where those that choose to read will sit, if but for a moment, and spend time with us. even now, i feel as if i am somehow sitting down with a friend, you, to share some part of me that you might not have thought to stop and see otherwise. *sigh*

i can't keep up with this. what is happening here people? chances are you'll read this and then go blog about it, and i suppose i can't be too mad about it really...