to the angels in los angeles...

new blog..

2009-06-05T16:16:00.000-07:00

hey peeps. i have blogging ADD, and because of this, i have switched my blog location to tumblr. i like it better, ok? i'll keep this one up for a bit, but from now on go here:

http://steffaloo.tumblr.com/

chow!

pets.

2009-05-12T11:42:00.000-07:00

i want a pet turtle. badly. it's name will be wigwam, and preferably it will be a mini turtle. you can buy turtles online for only $9.95 now. don't believe me? click on the picture of wigwam...

i'd also like to have a pet zebra. its name will be mojo. it doesn't have to be a mini zebra though. apparently, you also have to have an 'exotic liscence' to own a zebra. and i don't have one of those. hopefully this will be my family with mojo one day:

anyway, i've wanted these pets for a long time now, and i am really getting restless without them. i hear turtles smell bad though. and for some reason, i get the feeling that zebras need a lot of upkeep. but i don't care. i want them. wigwam and mojo.

best things invented in the world, ever.

2009-04-07T14:29:00.000-07:00

so, i was thinking today. and what i was thinking was that there are a lot of really great things that people have come up with in this world. so i decided that i wanted to share some of those great things, along with my enjoyment of them. thus, i give you:

'best things invented in the world ever'

dress pockets. i can pretty much speak for all women in saying that dress pockets are the greatest. totally unexpected and yet completely useful. if its chilly, no big deal... my dress has pockets!! no need to find a cardigan. and don't even worry about it making your cute little dress look frumpy, dress pockets blend right into your outfit. dress pockets are basically the best thing invented ever.

psssssst. i don't really need to explain this one. please refer to previous blog. psssssst is the best thing invented ever.

magnets. sometimes i forget that magnets even exist. but then a day will come along where i'll need to hang that radical picture of so and so up on my cabinet at work and oh, i don't have any tape. but tape is annoying anyway, because when you try to take it off it sticks everywhere, cuz that's what tape does, and then you're just aggitated. oh, don't even worry, i have a magnet. easy, clean, and hangs stuff really great. thanks magnet. plus, you can put magnets in all kinds of useful things. paperclip holder, figurine that i can mold into whatever pose i want, just to name a couple. magnets are the best things invented ever.

make up. thank god to whoever invented make up for girls faces. i'm not too proud to say that if it were not for this delightful invention, my self esteem would be suffering far greater than it is at present. not to mention that basically i get to paint my face every day. fun! make up, you are great. you are a best thing invented ever.

zebras. they don't even really do anything, but they look awesome! they are like a horse, but with sweet black and white zig zag stripes. if i could, i would own a zebra and name it mojo. zebras, i am so glad you are considered one of the best things invented ever in the world.

laser eye surgery. i haven't had it yet, but someday i will. and when i do, it will be amazing and i will say to myself, 'that was one of the greatest things invented ever in the world'! because, now i can see! best ever in the world.

popsicles. i was reminded yesterday, and the day before it and the day before that one even, that when it's so hot outside that it feels like satan is slapping you in the face, there's nothing better than a nice frozen popsicle. not only is it frozen, but it is refreshing. usually made of real frui,t or just plain sugar, i'd like to shake the hand of whoever thought of this one... because come on!! it's like, "oh this sweltering sun is killing me! i need a cold beverage! noo! this isn't cold enough! COLDER!" and boom. popsicle. frozen drink on a stick. easy to hold and even better to eat. hot day? no problem. there's a glorious thing called a popsicle and it is one of the greatest things invented ever in the world.

this concludes the first part of my best things invented ever in the world list. there are numerous other items to be added, and perhaps at a later date they will be. thank you and goodnight.

a little something today...

2009-04-02T11:22:00.000-07:00

''love isn't made''
my blue jeans are ripped at the seams
and my hair is all tied up in reams
i have a dollar for all my effed up dreams
and when i sleep the lovely screams

i took all your bull shit and ran
now we live in empty houses when we can
i like my covers heavy so i can turn on the fan
and in the morning we'll burn a brand new plan

love isn't made
it's grown
it's grown on hearts and hung on heels

i'm all alone but i have a little song
and i'm not in love but i've been loving you so long
i'm always at home as long as my heart beats along
and if death could speak it'd say you were strong

love isn't made
it's grown
it's grown on hearts and hung on heels
it's grown on hearts it's grown on hearts

pssssssst!

2009-03-30T12:07:00.000-07:00

so. i was hanging out with molly j this weekend. we went and did some sweet sweet clubbing on saturday night (since clubbing in hollywood is our favorite thing ever), and in the process of getting ready the next morning, mind you, we had danced our pants off not but 8 hours earlier and refused to shower, she stops to ask me if i have ever used psssssst.

"have i ever used what?" i asked.

"psssssst," she replied.

"psssssst? that's actually what it is called?? i must know more!"

she then proceeded to pull out an aerosol can of yes, PSSSSSST. first of all, are you kidding me??! and second of all, i'm pretty sure this is the best thing i have ever beheld in my short adult life! first of all, it's called pssssst!! that's all i need to know, really. slap my grandma and call me susan, i'm IN. anyway, naturally, upon this great revelation and enlightenment, i had to try some. my hair, still suffering from the aftermath of the nights events just hours earlier was a hot mess. i'm talking dishelveled and greasy. was i going to shower? no. so, i begin to psssssst my hair, and oh.my.gosh. i'm telling you, whatever is in this magical can of psssssting delight, i don't even care because it brought my hair back to life and i felt as if i'd been made anew. say no more life, i am sold. in. done. lifetime supporter. i'm going to the store TONIGHT and purchasing this thing! my hair never looked better given the fact that i forewent showering.

my life just became 20, if not 30 times, more amazing. i don't think i have to say much to convince you of the truth in this whole matter. just go get a can of PSSSSSST and you'll see... ohhhhh you'll see!

this tornado loves you.

2009-03-16T16:47:00.000-07:00

my hair is scattered all over my face and my eyelids hang heavy from my sockets. no one is watching.

but this tornado loves you.

and when i sing you a song and play my strings you'll look up for a moment to see me. but the pictures on the walls fall and smash into things we can't recall. a thought could catch you but my spinning is much faster. so i tore your heart out and watched it disappear.

this tornado loves you.

in a blink of an eye i ran through this room, leaving you and leaving your lovers, all helpless on the floor. broken limbs and broken eyes, skin turned inside out. skin too small so i'll break you out, turn you round and spit you back out. and all the while, i'm whistling.

this tornado loves you.

and in the morning won't you come out from all your hiding? come out to meet me. i'll carve your name into the earth and leave all your scratches by the sea never to be found again. chances are i'll destroy you before you step out the door. loving you loving you, you send me spinning.

and spinning on i know you knew, i know you knew..

you knew this tornado loved you.

my new little lover.

2009-03-07T12:54:00.000-08:00

so, not too long ago, as in a couple of weeks ago, i was sitting at work

as i typically do every day, and i had this feeling that i needed a ukulele. i had never really thought about this before, and frankly i have no clue as to where it came from. whether it was an effect of sheer boredom, or a revelation from above, i may never know. but all i can say is, it was the best notion i ever could have had. so, i immediately went on ebay and bought a ukulele for $30. A week later it was in my sweet little hands and i have fallen in love. everything that comes out of this little wondrous instrument is like honey to my soul. so, here is a little snapshot of me and my new little lover.

i will try to chronicle these intimate moments when i feel necessary. thanks and i love you all.

as i fall asleep.

2009-02-22T00:43:00.000-08:00

well, its a pretty significant night tonight. i'm writing this entire blog from my cell phone. its true. welcome to the new world... well, and welcome to the world where at&t doesn't work worth a shit and so the only way I can connect to the internet is through my magical cellular device. good one at&t. I am washing my hands of you.

so, i'm laying here in my bed in my dark room, nothing but the glow of this little screen lighting a 5 inch radius around my face and my arms are starting to ache from holding this up.. the small price I pay for such awesomeness. I can't sleep. and I just remembered that I should have taken a melatonin pill to get to sleep tonight. its too late now. i'm hoping this melatonin thing is the ticket among many attempted remedies to try to cure my inability to sleep well. from warm milk to reading, nothing has ever seemed to worked. well I don't know why i'm even elaborating on all of that. but it happened.

so, as of late, i've decided that I want to purchase a ukulele. I really think that this little musical delight would bring out some pretty great tunes in me. i've been realizing more and more that I wouldn't be mad if someone wanted to pay me to play music for them for the mere enjoyment of them listening to it and me enjoying playing it. when I play music and sing its like my world turns to color and those colors start to dance around me. life seems a little smaller and I feel as if I can do almost anything. and all I want to do is create. every thing I love: music, pictures, art, words, beauty, you.. all become melded together until all I can see is this uncontrollable ball of disastrous beauty that just keeps getting bigger and bigger the more I keep moving. I didn't even know I could do half of the things I can do.

last night was good. I didn't sleep, but I didn't care because my heart was full of life and I finally learned how to start enjoying who I am, not for the love I can get in return, but simply for the enjoyment of being alive and being loved by the one who made me. finally I was able to stop, if even for just a night, craving the attention and affirmation of all those who I thought could define some part of me. its a beautiful thing to realize that I am a kick ass person and to enjoy that fact. haha. and in turn, in doing so, I was able to enjoy those around me in a way I hadn't been able to in so long. life is mysterious and full of color.

I think i'm getting a little sleepy. maybe i've found a cure. thank you technology. the glow-in-the dark stars on my ceiling are all used up now. the constellations have disappeared and the night is whispering its endless call into the land of dreams and darkness.

I am falling asleep...

the daily report.

2009-02-10T16:09:00.000-08:00

i just discovered loads of new music to slay my ears and i can't stop eating these milk chocolate foil balls from see's candy. the word frabjous is quite possibly the greatest new word ever to come to my attention, and i think lil' wayne may be legitimately a 'little person'. if i had to choose, i'd rather be a pterodactyl than a monkey. i didn't even know that pterodactyle was spelled with a 'p'. but i'd rather be that. sometimes i feel bad that i have so much free time at work. free time that allows me to write nonesense like the above, and not feel too bad about it when all is said and done. i figure, most people enjoy a rare chance to 'stick it to the man' when presented with it, and i, on a regular basis, get to do just that. it rained yesterday and i remembered what time of year it was. sometimes i forget because it's always warm and sunny here.

why don't you tell me something funny and in return i'll laugh and make you feel you've done a good job at amusing me. nothing could be further from the truth. but the truth is, i'm laughing. and i'm still eating these chocolate balls. i really want some red galoshes. or yellow, even though those are to be expected. this is the only thing keeping me from being truly a kid again. lofty statement? that's why i said it. leaky legs learing like looming lakey lofts.

is it time to go home yet, i asked. no. the answer was no.

galoshes.

word of the day.

2009-02-04T09:54:00.000-08:00

so, i had this great idea as i was strolling into work today. apart from the excitement in knowing that i was about to get my vanilla latte from the coffee cart downstairs, i had the greatest idea to start a 'word of the day' blog. now, i know what you're thinking, 'cool steph. don't you know that there's already a whole entire website dedicated to doing just that- providing the word of the day straight to your inbox, even?!'

yea. i do. and it bores me. here's what happens each day when i check my inbox and i see my 'word of the day' just waiting for me to open it up and have my vocab expanded:

virtuoso \vur-choo-OH-soh\, noun, adjective;
pl. virtuosos, virtuosi:

1. a person skilled in the techniques of an art, esp. playing a musical instrument; by extension, a person with a cultivated appreciation of artistry
2. showing mastery in artistic skills

-begin my internal thought process-

oh sweet. i like this one. what if there were a person, maybe a woman.. crazy hair, tasseled clothes.. one of her arms is a guitar, or maybe even a xylophone, her fingers are paint brushes and she's dancing. but she is a master at what she does, this skilled patron of the arts, and so she has her easel and supplies all perfectly surrounding her in delicate order. the painting behind her says "i'm a virtuoso".

-end internal thought process-

now THAT'S a word of the motha effin' day ladies and gents. i will start this blog the second i finish writing this current one to tell you of the aforementioned one. it is going to be great. and it is going to force me to draw slash paint slash conglomerate slash, even dare i say, sing the word of the day, ultimately molding me into yes.. you guessed it.. a VIRTUOSO.

oh this is going to be real great. the MOST great!

steph's word of the day

i just poured a bucket full of beautiful..

2009-01-21T09:46:00.000-08:00

last night something magic happened. i can't explain it, and even if i tried to it wouldn't make sense, but i am now convinced that i am one of the most bizarre humans alive. here's what happened: i lied down on my couch and turned 'explosions in the sky' on in my headphones.. i have never been more captivated and slayed by any other music, ever, then i was in this moment. so as i lay there, the music blaring in my ears, i closed my eyes and i began to see the music dance in my mind. all of this is going to sound crazy, though i don't mind. i saw all kinds of things. i saw a dark black bird, it's wings spread wide and it was flying right for me. i tried opening my eyes to make it go away, but it wouldn't and so i frantically got out a notebook and a marker and started to draw. my eyes still closed, i drew what i saw. and it kept on coming. i drew the images the music made me see and i wrote the words that the music made me feel and when i opened my eyes to see what i had done, i was blown away. not only was it exactly like i saw it in my mind, but it was actually decipherable. there were some moments where my pen would move with the beats of the music i was hearing and when i opened to see what i had drawn it was a sun bursting with rays of light, almost as loud as the crashing of the cymbals in the song i had been listening to. some of these things make no sense. but some of these things i didn't even know i needed to say. and also, i was under the influence of a certain substance. so this is what came out...

writing #1:
i saw great visions i saw that i was flying and i haven't moved but i do this dance perfect and with grace and with each word my music flows from the leaks and cracks in my broken skin now the light inside can't help but win like the light leaks in the ocean cutting through such treacherous darkness monsters lurk just on the edge of it so you can only see the shadow of what your sins look like long skinny fingers reach and run trying to say just the right thing and with a bang they take back that wrong letter the things you shouldn't say though your mind is running with them and with a slow fade they'll stop in silence but i've never seen something so beautiful and i never thought that part of my heart could feel something and we're all in awe and the whole world is captivated i've never seen anything so beautiful and so it rises and rises each time seeing the brightest note in all the world its truth like the songs rolling off your tongue and when the light shines through those windows to that small little capsule we're sitting in under the sea all is illuminated even in the darkest of places

writing #2:
like buckets of paint all stacked up by the tree down the hillside and up the mountain be careful where you step the gold road is the safest you'll see and when you're at the top its god you'll see sitting big under the cross now sit inside for a while and look from such high places look what i have set here for you to see and open wide your eyes now paint what you see and paint it for me spill your color on something dead and watch how many people walk on what you made alive watch them walk right up to me and see and sit inside of me and smile at all they didn't see and now see more loudly than ever you sing to me and i know you love me but i don't i'm afraid you're hurting and i can't help you though its all i want to do and i know you're in there somewhere come out for me i won't push you to be what i know you can be though you can't see it now you have a lot of life in you and i know i'll be right there to see when you let it free

drawing #1:
all of these were drawn with my eyes completely closed. i drew what i saw in my head.. and when i opened them it sort of blew my mind, haha..

"be free"
-when free you once again will see

drawing #2:

"beat"
-beat beat beat, sing loud, .. (can't tell what i wrote)... fly free, beat- beat loud like the feathers as a bird flys, beat loud your wings, grow

drawing #3:

"loved/rise"
-i saw things that night, things wild and free, loud and free screaming see see see- loved, one arm gone my wings will be, he loves me to make me beautiful, i broke my soul only to find my heart in one piece- rise, above the love your beauty sees its eyes as loud as the night, rise, no darkness beat the love (yes, i am high ha)

drawing #4:

"life/sing love"
-i did incredible things i could not know how or why i did them, but i did. one two and pick my heart and last night i thought it would explode, i was alive and in pain not showing the huge life behind me, my bones are breaking, now i can feel, if this were a song you'd be red and brilliant, loud like the fire, it's a million degrees inside my heart, and i think it might explode, three four beat beat loud, now dance dance dance, step step, leap leap if you want to be free, i wanted you there to fly with me, so break down the door leave safety be, it's not as brave as you thought it would be, i'm moving slow and loud, nothing i see has gone, my eyes keep me, now you can't even see the darkness, it's not there anymore, so sing love, love it moves everything around it to remind them that they're alive and we move move, i just did incredible things, i didn't know how or why i did them, but i did.

play it again sam.

2009-01-20T12:48:00.000-08:00

yesterday i went down to buzz coffee. it's just around the corner from my house and it is my favorite. especially when the sun is just about to dip beneath the city. it rests on the corner of beverly and stanley, both of which i have an aunt and an uncle named, ha. being on this corner provides for some very interesting people watching. just across the street is a jewish temple. across from that, a natural health food store. across from that, a post office and a park. most times when i come here i bring my macbook, to write. i bring my ipod, to get my heart full of beauty. and sometimes i'll bring my sketch book, to pass the time. these things, along with a perfect cup of coffee, make my world completely perfect. but sometimes when i come here, i bring nothing but a pack of cloves and a camera. a pack of cloves, to feel like i'm doing something, but mostly just to look awesome. a camera, because everything is beautiful. yesterday i just came with a pack of cloves. i got my cup of coffee, found a great table in the sun against the wall and let the night unfold. the thing is, what happens when i do this, when i just let things unfold, is that i am forced to face what has been unfolding all along... my own thoughts. my heart. the state of my effed up life. myself. and i pay attention to every little thing around me. well, i was paying attention to all of these things when an old jewish man pulled a chair up to my table and sat down.

'well hello,' i said, and smiled. he smiled back.

i can't leave. i have nothing in front of me, its just me, my coffee, and this clove. and now this old man. this is great. i'm going to wait this one out. i'm always secretly hoping that when i come to buzz i'll meet the most interesting person alive and leave having heard the most fantastic stories ever told. tell me a story old man. your weathered face and long grey beard already are.

'are you from LA?'

here we go. from that point on, i sat with sam, his name was sam, and for the next hour listened to him tell me stories of all his travels around the world. he was born in isreal and from the age of 17 had left home, a home in which was broken and marked with sickness, and begun to travel the world. now, in his old age, he had been almost everywhere. everywhere but australia. i asked him what his favorite place he'd ever been was and he said he loved belgium. but he had also just come from south africa and said that it was beautiful. before too long, in the midst of his story telling, he reached inside of his coat pocket and pulled out a little bag. 'do you smoke?' from there, he proceeded to roll a homemade joint, right outside the coffee shop, and then began to tell me about all the places he'd been that had good weed. i suppose i was a bit surprised by this. not only that, but he'd spent three days in a foreign prison in belgium for being caught with weed. he almost got in bad with the fbi in '85. he told me about what he called 'the miracle'; a time when he was being stopped in the jfk airport and about to be busted for having weed in his suitcase, when he suddenly saw an old jewish friend from LA that he hadn't seen in years. he said they looked at each other from across the room and the airport security somehow let him pass through. i am still trying to piece that one together.. and in my inability to do so, have to agree with sam that it was indeed, nothing short of a plain miracle.

how did i get here? this man's life is so freaking interesting i could explode. and here i am, sitting with him in LA somehow becoming a part of it all. life unfolds alright. right in front of my face, if only i'd stop and watch it every once and a while. something tells me i'll never see sam again. and if i'd had my camera, i surely would have taken his photo. but there are just some things in life, some people, and some moments, that i see now are only supposed to be lived. and nothing more.

and the point is, to live everything. and my heart explodes.

on another note, and on the same note entirely, i dreamt last night that my heart was literally about to explode. i could feel it getting bigger and bigger, more and more to the point of bursting, and no one could help me. i drug myself to a hospital it hurt so bad, barely able to breathe, and when i got there the doctor said, 'well, we could put a tube through your chest to deflate your heart a bit, but it won't help. it's only a matter of time before it explodes.' thanks. i'll just walk around with this excruciating pain then, knowing that at any moment my heart will burst into a million pieces. and this is just what i did. throughout the rest of my entire dream, i continued living out the days and nights events with a heart that was about to explode. everyone around me knew this about me, and because of it, made me live in a huge rv/tour bus, away from the rest of them. why they thought this would help, i have no idea. but there was a sadness around them, knowing that i was living with such pain. i was just annoyed that i was stuck in this rv. but they also looked at me like i had something they didn't, like they were almost jealous that my heart was going to explode and that nothing could be done about it. they were all closely watching me, while keeping their distance. i spent my days alone for the most part in my rv, occasionally going out to sit with other people that had heart problems. but their problems were all being helped. one guy was hooked up to a machine that kept his heart going. another had a tube helping him breathe. they knew they would keep on living even though they couldn't do anything but sit there and be kept alive. and so there i sat, my pain hiding but i was free to keep on living. i never died in my dream. and my heart never did explode. but i woke up feeling like it had...

so peel me, pull me, spit shine me, unwind me.

2009-01-14T11:25:00.000-08:00

just is. it's summer, but it's really winter. my coffee is cold and i have twenty dollars. life is beautiful but i'm still asking why it's always gotta get me down. i'll write a handwritten letter for all your words. and still, it's only 10:30am. it sucks missing people you know you'll never see again. and even more so, missing people you see everyday. i'm afraid i felt my heart move, but mostly i'm just afraid i feel something. the edge of my bed is perfect for this singing. we all sit around tables and laugh our faces off. it seems nice and it is, having my sides hurt because of this happiness. i'm adoring you. and now none of this makes sense, i know. it's more of a pattern than a process. and now everything falls as it rises, and everything starts to bloom again. for once i want to be more than i thought i could be. and i will.

"take on my spine and spit shine it, pull on my heart and unwind it, fold my wings back off my shoulder blades, and peel me..." -feist-

so peel me, pull me, spit shine me, unwind me. you already have, really. and once you've got me all untangled, watch me fly.

and all of the sudden, the clouds broke..

2009-01-12T15:05:00.000-08:00

the other day the sun came out to a 75* day and i remembered i was alive. i could feel my skin being slightly burned as i walked along the edge of the world, and i loved it. i saw a crab under the pier and i lost my breath jumping in the sand. i can feel every muscle in my body. being sore never felt so good. i like feeling alive. and my heart... i felt that too. beating against my sternum. if only it could get out; where would it go to? it's bursting. take a picture to remember this moment. you'll want to, trust me. and tonight i'll do the same, but only with my eyes. and that heart of mine; the one that just lept in that dark room beside you. now i'm alive. even if it's just for a moment. i'm smiling. count to three and i'll keep on walking.

and all of a sudden, the clouds broke... and my heart, it broke too. but now it's beating. so count to three and i'll keep this one close. i was alive, don't you see...

that night, a forest grew.

2009-01-07T10:53:00.000-08:00

so, i got sick last weekend and in response all i did was lay on the couch and watch dexter all day. i really couldn't have made a better decision. it is SUCH a good show. well, somewhere along the way, among the countless episodes, was one titled, "that night, a forest grew". for whatever reason, those words really caught my attention. to me, there was something about them that was beautiful; something that made me want to burst a little. and so i wrote this:

that night, a forest grew
pulling up everything to make it new
put the heart where the arrows fly
piercing roots my love will lie
falling seeds from fingers sow
what heavy feet push below
forgotten by all save the sun
whose leaky light a vessel spun
spin her once to feel the pain
spin her twice and her ray will rain
seeping soil to grab the life
in darkness breeds breathing strife
now growing from what those feelings threw
that night, a forest grew

and then i made a song of it: that night, a forest grew

that night will come...

love.

what does that mean?

2009-01-02T00:31:00.000-08:00

well, the sickness has finally caught me. i'm laying here in bed, unable to sleep and unable to breathe out of my nose. it's so agitating, to not be able to breathe the way i was designed to. ugh. this is going to be a long night.

before i went to bed tonight, as i was looking at myself in the mirror just before washing my face clean of all my make-up, i thought to myself, "why is it that i always look the best right before i go to bed?" seriously though, more times than not, when i'm getting ready to wash my face and send it back to it's original state, i curse the night because 9 times out of 10 i look magnificent. i don't know what it is, and i have resolved that i may never know the answer, but there is something about that moment right before bed, when i know that no one else is going to see me, and it's like my face, just to spite me, becomes radiant and my make-up flawless, my hair perfectly in place and my cheeks rosy. what's the deal? so i had this idea (which i have yet to decide whether i will actually carry it out) to take a picture of myself every single night before i go to bed. and then someday, a year from now, perhaps 5 years from now, i will compose them all together in a video and, not only see myself age, but see myself age in my most beautiful moments. now that i think about it, it seems like a lot of work. but it also seems kind of intriguing. just for the mere the idea of it, really.

and still, i can't breathe out of my nose. but not just my nose, the left side of it. which is even more agitating. justin vernon, of bon iver, i have decided, is one of the most beautiful humans to ever live. not because i actually know him, or think he is physically attractive, but solely on the knowledge that when i listen to the music he makes, i feel like everything in the world is as it should be. what is that? what is it about certain things that does that? sometimes it's a song, sometimes it's a painting, or a poem, and sometimes its just a quiet day with the wind softly blowing across your face. whatever it is, i think i want to make people realize it; i want to make them feel that. to feel like they could do nothing wrong in that moment; like everything around them, everything inside of them and everything that makes up the small little world that they live in, for even just a moment, has become perfect. at peace. justin vernon's music, bon iver, does that for me. music, more often than not, does this for me.

a new year. what does that even mean? i find myself asking that a lot these days; sometimes after completely ridiculous instances, such as 'its a new year'. or such as 'would you like paper or plastic?' why do i even care what that means? 'i love you'. what does that even mean? i don't think i'll ever know what every little thing i encounter means in my lifetime. i had a dream the other night. i dreamt that me and jas climbed a mountain. when we got to the top, we discovered a beautiful cabin. smoke billowed out of the chimney. we went inside, entered the living room and suddenly wondered why we had climbed the mountain in the first place. but for some reason, we felt that there was a reason, and sure enough we remembered we had climbed the mountain to meet a great philosopher, a 'great mind' of our time. we waited in the living room and soon enough an old man came out from one of the rooms and joined us. knowing this was the man who we had been searching, we waited to hear what it was we had climbed and travelled all this way for. rather comedically, we all stood there, looking at each other, as if to say 'so, what do you have to tell me?' after a long awkward silent stare, it was as if we all realized, without having to say a word, the answer to all of our questions. we were asking 'what do you have to reveal to us, why did we come here?' and the old man's answer was 'you came here to see me.' with that, we left and made our trek back down the mountain. seems pretty cruel if you ask me. well of course we know we came to see you, are you crazy old man? i thought you were supposed to be some kind of brilliant philosopher here to tell us the key to life; the answer to the ever burning question, 'what does this all mean? what am i supposed to do with this.. this life i have been given?' and all you have for me is 'you came to see me'!?! real funny. but the more i think about it, this is exactly what we climbed that mountain to hear. and it was all we needed to hear. most times, when i am facing something in life, whether it be difficult or mysterious, painful or joyous, i find myself trying to figure out what comes next. i am always wanting to be one step ahead of life. if i could just see a little further into the future, then i would be more prepared, right? but if there's anything i've learned from this past year, from this dream, it is that i already know everything i need to know. i am here. i am alive. i have this moment. i have these eyes. i have this heart. i have this mind. and climbing up the mountain, as hard as it is, as many times as is necessary, when i get to the top, i have all i need. i don't need to know anything past what i am living, right now. and oh how the view changes on that mountaintop. i'm no longer looking only just above my own head, i am seeing everything below and around and above me. my perspective is broader here. i can seek the answers there and find them, as simple as they may be.

i want to be brave. brave enough to climb the mountain every day if need be. that's what life is. and this year is no different. so that's what it means.

god, this music is slaying me.

i'll breathe through my mouth tonight. and i'll stay alive just fine. 'i'm not really like this, i'm probably plightless, so i cup the window, i'm crippled and slow, for the agony i'd rather know..'

goodnight...

that was the worst christmas ever.

2008-12-26T11:06:00.000-08:00

it rained the other night and i remembered that it was winter. sometimes i forget what time of year it is. it's always warm here. christmas is over and i'm kind of glad about it. not that i don't like christmas. i love it. but this year i didn't get to go home and i really just wanted it to be over as soon as possible. but timmy was with me, and i am glad for that. and while i didn't think this christmas would turn out to be much more than eating ramen in the living room of my empty house with timmy, it turned out to be surprisingly enjoyable. we ended up going down to spend christmas eve and christmas day with some family friends in orange county. there's nothing like a steak dinner and then mimosa's in the morning. capped off with a grand christmas dinner and a $125 bottle of henessy. i'm humbled by certain people's generosity. i am humbled by love.

whatever love is. i think it is so many things. it is the bag full of food given me on christmas day. it is the letter in the mail from my far away sister. it is the sitting in my living room with friends playing songs on our guitars for countless hours. it is the phone call from my favorite boy. it is the smile. it is the hug in the hallway when no one is around. it is the laughing until i can't breathe. it is the crying. it is the sun on my back. it is the color in everything that lives. it is something.. perhaps everything. but i don't know what it is. all i know is that i burst beside it. one day i'll feel it again and i'll know how to give it away. but right now i can only handle a little bit.

i can't believe it's already 9 o'clock. i haven't done a damn thing today. literally. now i'm sitting on the couch, writing this, and timmy is beside me on 'loudcrowd' dancing with girls that he thinks are cute. but none of it is real. i have never felt like i've wasted more of a day than i have today. but i'm not entirely mad about it. tomorrow we will go to the zoo and i am sure it will be a memorable time. i think the last time i went to the zoo was before my teen years. the cheyenne mountain zoo. geeze, that zoo was so crappy. but we loved it. my favorites were always the giraffes. and the elephants. and the hippos.

life is a strange thing. it's almost a new year and i can only hope that it will be better than this last one. man, 2008 was a doozy. i fell in love, lost it. made new friends, was more depressed than i ever imagined. got a raise at work, and my car broke down 5 times. all in all, i've learned more about myself and life this year than i have in my whole life combined. i'm thinking 2009 is going to be life shattering. so here's to having my life destroyed in the best way possible.

i cannot wait to go the zoo tomorrow.

iloveyou

2008-12-11T00:14:00.000-08:00

i love you. i love you and i don't even want to. you make me want to throw up. and so i put you on mute while i lean over the toilet. and you don't even know. this conversation is ending. i love you. i love you and i can't even help it. you make my heart bigger. i was walking by the sea and thought you'd love it and i started crying. there's not enough room for you in my small little heart. i burst beside you. i love you. i love you and i don't even believe in it. you had me fooled. i would rather sleep alone then curled up beside you, waiting until you're gone. and these covers cast nothing but fire and brimstone. i am damned. i love you. i love you and i wont ever stop. you slay me from head to toe. i stand at arms length only not to lose you, and my arms go on forever. dig your fingers tighter. my heart is yours. and i love you. i love you i love you i love you.

*no. this is not about some boy or some lost love. it's not about you and it's not about me.*

i feel it all again.

2008-12-08T15:59:00.000-08:00

i haven't written anything in a while. and i guess it's because i don't know what it is i would write. i haven't had much to say lately. i haven't had much to feel lately. i guess i just haven't been much lately. and while i'm dying to say something, nothing ever seems to be there. and then there's that song. or that poem. or that word. or that picture. and now there's you. and i feel it all again. all at once. but still, i don't know what to say. and i don't know what any of it means.

how is it that we can live our whole lives and still come to the end of them feeling like we only came to understand a small fraction of them? i know i haven't reached the end of mine, but if the trend continues, the more i live, the more i'll realize that i have so so much more to see from life and not nearly enough time to see it all. i don't know where i'm going with this, and perhaps its in the same circle i've been going in for years. i'll end up at the same place, but with new perspectives and new knowledge on certain things, only to travel down the same path again and again until i meet myself at the beginning for one last time. life is beautiful and life is fucked all at the same time.

i don't know how to believe in a lot of things right now, and yet i believe in them more than ever. god, love, people, myself. all i started with were these things and then i lost them all. now they are all i have. they will save me and destroy me, abandon me and heal me. i don't understand these things well enough yet. i've heard it said, 'if you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.' i think it's true. anything can be simple, and maybe everything is. i complicate the simplicity of life so i feel like i'm doing something. alive but not living. half the time. the other half i'm burning in it.

to feel nothing. to stand an arms length away from something so bright, so alive. death crumbles underneath it all and i feel no sense of loss. just amazement. and wonder. something is happening, and i can feel it. i can hear it. crackling. a low growl crawls as it's flames grow bigger and stronger. to feel everything. it's burning and i am still standing. alive and warm. and i feel it all again. all at once.

life on earth.

2008-09-30T11:50:00.000-07:00

my ovaries hurt like a bitch today. is that too much information? well, welcome to being a woman i guess. it's a fact of life. blood makes me squeemish. okay. now, that's too much information. life really is such a miracle though. i guess i think about that at least once a month... when i'm curled in the fetal position writhing in pain. ha. it's just the thought of having my body someday holding and reproducing a living human that just completely shatters my mind space. i was reading an article today that said it was most likely possible that the human species was on the brink of extinction some 70,000 odd years ago. it said that at one point there were only about 2,000 humans left, living in africa. somehow they saved the human race and procreated, which leads us to our now booming population of around 8 billion living on planet earth? fascinating. also, they (and by they, i mean like scientists and stuff) said that they have traced the human genetic codes back to a single 'mitochondrial eve' from which we all sprang. seriously though, life is possibly the single most wondrous thing to be.

i have to go to a meeting now. please hold...

okay. now i'm in a computer lab being trained on how to set up new vendors. i feel like i'm back in college. i had this journalism class my junior year; i was so good at writing what i had to that i always finished before everyone else, and so i would spend half the class emailing and writing friends on aim. as good as my stuff was, i still managed to get only a 'c' in that class. maybe i wasn't as good as i thought. too bad.

anyway. i was reading this other article today, i did a lot of reading, and it was talking about the brightest places on earth from outer space. naturally, las vegas came in first on that one. then it talked about how these bright places are cause for 'light pollution'. basically, we generate an extra 38 million tons of carbon dioxide a year into the air by shining lights up towards heaven, rather than just at the things we need lit. seems to me we do this in a lot of ways when it comes to life. we shine pointless light towards things that lead nowhere, when really, if we conserved our energy and pointed it on the things that really mattered, we would see things a lot more clear. makes sense to me. and it doesn't seem like much of a coincidence that las vegas is the place wasting the most light. and i thank you; whoever you are for shedding light on this part of life.

life on earth is strange. how we live on this massive ball of earth sometimes baffles me. but again, the mere thought of life being possible at all boggles my existence.

thank you. and goodnight.

i've gone too far.

2008-09-29T16:52:00.001-07:00

so, welcome to the 21st century. the age in which blogging is basically like having a cell phone; you have one or else you are considered old school and out of touch. but i'm afraid we, at least i, have perhaps gone too far. not only do i blog, but i have at least four different locations in which i do this trendy tradition. there's the original, which i started long before blogging was ever a fad. then there's the classic myspace blog, the blogspot blog (yep, this one), and then there's the newly introduced joint blog in which a small group of us have banded together to create a force stronger than the average one person, one voice blog. all of these can be found here:

the OG of blogs
myspace
the joint blog

some of these blogs overlap, and you can find many of the same entries on differing sites. maybe this is due to the 'i have trouble fully committing to just one thing slash there is always something better out there' attitude of our generation, in which case i have, though i hate admiting it, become a pathetic part of. what has become of us... of me? why must i feel that to blog is to somehow give meaning to this mysterious thing that i call my life? and does everybody else do it for this reason too? sometimes i think that we have all lost ourselves in this world of cyberness so much that the only way we can feel like we are still actually alive is to put our 'lives' up on these screens where they will actually be viewed from time to time; these places where those that choose to read will sit, if but for a moment, and spend time with us. even now, i feel as if i am somehow sitting down with a friend, you, to share some part of me that you might not have thought to stop and see otherwise. *sigh*

i can't keep up with this. what is happening here people? chances are you'll read this and then go blog about it, and i suppose i can't be too mad about it really...

to , forever

2008-09-26T16:53:00.000-07:00

to , forever

a cold window, death will not forgo
crawling out skinny and slow
cut me loose to fall below
these hearts are strings we drag along

i wore my soul upon my song
a sound you've heard for so so long
twisting whiles have all proved wrong
these fools whose secrets now become

a picture hangs and starts to hum
the slow beginning to the end to come
threw our love among the sum
these crows that feed on you and i

stepping out to catch this goodbye
before these sails where we lived wither and die
building a fortress as our reply

these words, to , forever and free

a heart is beating.

2008-09-10T11:13:00.001-07:00

a heart is beating
one two
and
the door breaks down

so darkness calls
but all is not dark
and your heart
it beats

one
two
one two

the fear inside
you'll know it better
take its hand
and walk

one
two
one two
one two

first you fall
but you're still
beating
one two

one
two

come back
find me, i'm beaten
my heart
its beating

one two
one
two
one two

our heart is beating
we're alive

one two one two
one two

i have discovered...

2008-07-11T17:02:00.000-07:00

i have discovered that pablo neruda is one of the greatest poets to have ever existed. for example:

sonnet VIII
if your eyes were not the color of the moon,
of a day full [here, interrupted by the baby waking -- continued about 26
hours later ]
of a day full of clay, and work, and fire,
if even held-in you did not move in agile grace like the air,
if you were not an amber week,

not the yellow moment
when autumn climbs up through the vines;
if you were not that bread the fragrant moon
kneads, sprinkling its flour across the sky,

oh, my dearest, i could not love you so!
but when i hold you i hold everything that is --
sand, time, the tree of the rain,

everything is alive so that i can be alive:
without moving i can see it all:
in your life i see everything that lives.

are you even serious with those last three lines? my heart explodes. i am nothing. i am everything. i posted my favorite poem of his a while back called 'if you forget me'... as such-

everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

read it. i read his words to remind myself that there are human beings who have loved so deeply that this kind of beauty comes spewing out of them; and i long for it to spew out of me.

i have discovered that music and solitude can make me forget how small i am compared to the whole rest of the world.

i have discovered that edamame is one of the greatest and best things to eat. at all times. on any occasion. yay for soy beans.

i have discovered rooftop nights in the summer drinking beer and smoking cloves with timmy to be one of the most fun activities this side of heaven. ok. i can think of a few other things that are just as fun.

i have discovered that trying to come back to life requires good people and more beauty than my pathetic soul can handle. this also includes beers on stoops, laughing, cameras- of all kinds, birds flying, and otter pops, to name a few.

i have discovered that love is the best and worst thing we could ever be asked to do in life. and i have discovered that no matter how saving or how destroying it can be, i must have it to stay alive. i must have it to keep others alive. i have discovered that love can only enlarge us, and if it isn't, then it is not real love.

i have discovered many a thing yet to be discovered...

"everything is blooming most recklessly; if it were voices instead of colors, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night." -rainer maria rilke-

i have discovered that everything is blooming most recklessly... and i love it.

vegas, baby, vegas!

2008-06-30T16:39:00.001-07:00

i'm in vegas this whole week 'on business' and it is ridiculous. i'm staying in the palms, home of the playboy suite, and fox basically has the whole entire 31st floor at our disposal, which includes the pimp ass suite of all awesomeness at the end of the hall. now, this suite is basically bigger than most peoples households and goes for about 35k a night. there's an infinity pool that hangs off the edge of the tower and a circular rotating bed; there's a whole wall that is a fountain and flows down into a pool of majesty inside overlooking the las vegas strip. there's a full bar and about 20 bathrooms and a few rooms; a sauna and some tread mills. what the eff. i don't even know where i am right now. oh yeah. vegas, baby, vegas! and i'm drunk. did i mention that? yea, that's right. it's only 7:30pm and i've already had at least 3.5 mixed drinks by the bartender johnny. johnny has lived here for 5 years and wants to be an actor. he's from chicago. how i know this, i'm not sure. perhaps i talk a lot when i'm tipsy. i also talked to one of the security men for a while and he was telling me all about all the wild and crazy celebrity parties that have gone on in this very suite and i was like, 'listen. i am from la. big woop.' he thought he was awesome though. i mean, maybe he was.

the things about vegas i have noted thus far:
- cute little granny's. i'm telling you. the number one fan's of slot machines are cute little wrinkly grandma's. it's adorable. but i'm sure if i were to take the time to try to talk to one of them i would come to find that they are heartless old hags who just pass the time playing slots while they try to avoid thinking about the fact that they are just... old.

- elevators. i'm on the 15th floor. therefore, to get up to the 31st and then back down to mine, i have to go all the way down, transfer elevators and then go back up. i don't mind this. but for one, the elevator music is bomb. i mean, we're talking jay-z and lil wayne, britney spears and freakin' 2pac. it's like a party every time i step into one of those things. last night, i stepped onto one elevator and was appalled at the strong scent of perfume that still lingered in that small little box. then, as i stepped onto the next, i was equally appalled that it too smelled of a different perfume. what's the deal? i mean, i'm not complaining, but seriously how much perfume is needed here ladies?

- i'm drunk.

thank you. and goodnight.

tonight i'll write.

2008-06-03T23:31:00.000-07:00

tonight i'll write. and i'll let these daunting melodies crawl down inside of me until i swallow them whole. i'll try my hardest to do this before they become the ones actually swallowing me, though i fear they have already begun to. tonight i'll write; i'll write until i disappear. i'll write until i stop wondering what it is i even want to write. and it's been so long since i've tried any of this. sometimes i don't know who i am becoming; who i am; who i even want to be. and sometimes i don't even know if i care anymore... or if i ever cared. and how am i supposed to know? how am i supposed to know what i am supposed to want for myself? how am i supposed to know if you are right for me, or if i am right for you? how am i supposed to know, when i feel like i don't know anything? and am i really confused, or am i just pretending? am i just afraid? so what am i so afraid of? and i can feel my legs go out from under me; i'm being swallowed. swallowed by myself. swallowed by a voice that screams a whispering cry so faint that all i can do is feel its ache. i ache for you. i ache for me; to know me. my joys become you. my fears are set free about you and i somehow make them grow. just want me. i want you, badly.

tonight i'll write. but my arms are next to go... and i'm swallowed.

that is something.

2008-04-23T22:55:00.000-07:00

maybe i feel this way because it's been far too long since i've actually spoken any words on what it is i'm really feeling. what am i feeling? i wish i could feel nothing. i wish i could feel everything. and i am. nothing and everything. love and hate. happiness and sadness. anger and joy. peace and turmoil. and i don't know what to keep and what to let go.

and i hate it. but i love it because it makes me hate. and that is something.

all at the same time.

2008-03-09T20:45:00.000-07:00

a cup of coffee that causes overwhelming feelings of humanity. why can't i write anything? it's one of those nights, warm and cool all at the same time. i want to be near you, and i'm tired of missing you. and i feel so fucking alive right now that i just want to explode. alive and dead. all at the same time. and everything keeps on moving- the people on the street, the smoke from my lungs, the sun into the sea... and i feel like i don't know how to make myself big enough to mean anything.

big hair and skinny jeans, a brown leather jacket and red ballet shoes. she's caught in an era long passed, but she's moving. and she leaves a trail of red wherever she goes. the piano plays under these big umbrellas. bamboo shades to keep the sun out. too much time to think and not enough room to fit it all. if i shut out all these words they'll only find another place hide, and then they'll speak there. maybe i'm crazy. maybe it's like this for everyone. too much and not enough.

a constant conflict of true and false. all true and all a lie, all at the same time. and it's maddening.

shit.

2008-02-11T15:58:00.000-08:00

shit. fuck even. its just one of those days. i feel ugly. not neccessarily on the outside, but from the inside. i feel like too much and not enough. too much for someone to know how to love well, but not enough to keep them captivated. not enough for anyone. and i fear there is no one on this earth that is capable of actually knowing how to handle me, or even wanting to; all my shit, all my fucked up thoughts and feelings and all the ways i carry around old hurts and old joys. i am a pile of battered faces. i am a heap of bruises. i am a mystery and i am a song that's been overplayed. shit.

there's something about love that i cannot enter into. not yet. and maybe never. its this deep, abysmal unknown, amazing, brutal, tear you to fucking shreds part of love that i just can't seem to grasp. and the deeper i go in allowing myself to love someone, to be loved back, the more and more i see this dark hole approaching, and it scares the hell out of me. because i know that it is both horrifying and glorious. i don't know if i am ready for that. the thought of reaching that point with another human being... well, it seems near impossible. i have never gotten so close to this realm of love as i am right now in my life. and even then, it is far from close. i feel too small for this. there must have been some kind of mistake. some kind of mixup in the creating of human kind, for this kind of love is too big. it's too big for anyone or anything to even begin to know how to be a part of. and so it ends up destroying us in every way. or maybe it doesn't. maybe it saves us in every way. my words stop here because i begin to linger on the edge of the unknown. i want to be destroyed. i want to be saved. i want to be completely engulfed and enraptured and compelled by this place of love. i want to find my home there. i have to. everything i thought i knew about love, i don't. everything i thought i knew about knowing how to love well, i don't. everything i thought i knew about letting myself be loved, i don't. my heart is a blank canvas. i am covered in red. i see something completely brand new. i never knew this kind of love was real; this kind that goes so far beyond friend love, family love. its a choice.

i am an empty name. i am a box of suggestions; an answer to a question never asked. shit.

cold hands, warm heart.

2008-01-30T11:52:00.000-08:00

it's fa-reezing in here. fingers white and my toes are blue. cold hands, warm heart they say. cold heart, i'm a hands free human. a kid with no eyes. warm eyes. i eyes. goodbye my heart. overheated and oversized. hold my hands around my heart. barefoot truth all wrapped in threads. unsew my veins, the red runs free. warm hands, many hearts. one heart. it's mine it's mine, and it's growing. everythings tied together. with love.

i'll be your pocket, full of pictures. full of places we should be. warm and bright. fingers and toes. dip them lightly, the red runs free. two beats till morning, wake up next to you. one two, one two... one two. a chest that moves. a chest that speaks. a heart that beats. beat. beat it senseless and watch it leak. your heart, my heart. our heart. a pocket full of punches. a pocket full of love.

hang the gloves.

cold hands and warm hearts we have.

i have nothing to say.

2008-01-25T14:16:00.000-08:00

wrote this a time ago...

i have nothing to say. i have nothing to say, and so i won't say it. i won't say that i'd like to soak all of the yellow out of the sun, or that if there were a way to trap a star and put it by my bedside i would. i won't say it. because i have nothing to say. nothing like the birds outside and nothing like the tapping of the raindrops on my windshield. i won't say that i don't have things all figured out and i won't say that i haven't found some peace, because i have nothing to say. nothing like your smile or the gold ring around your pupils, and nothing like the Life from your lips. i won't say it. i won't say that i'd like to fly with the birds even though i'm afraid of heights, or that i wish i had the courage to live the way i know i was made to. and i won't say that most days my heart feels like it is hanging outside of my chest and that my feet feel nothing of the ground beneath me. i have nothing to say. nothing of the happiness i am breathing; nothing of fear and nothing of being alive.

i have nothing to say. and so i won't say it.

love will save the world.

2008-01-10T00:31:00.000-08:00

i should go to sleep. the morning always comes faster than i anticipate. but i have to write. what, i don't know. maybe nothing of any significance. maybe just some thoughts so i can actually get to sleep tonight. i don't know.

he'll be calling any moment now. its become a habit that i almost need in order to feel i've soaked up all i could from the day. but i think maybe i am changing. i don't know how to do this. i've been realizing a lot of things lately. the doozy is that i have never let myself believe that i can actually have the very best. and so i never have. i've almost allowed myself to go as far as not even being able to recognize what that is; what it means...to have the very best. it seems a foriegn concept still. my heart is a traitor. it has told me for far too long that to want anything greater for myself is asking too much; is asking for the absurd. it tells me that i can't go on. it convinces me to stay where i am and simply survive. well i say fuck that. i love my heart, but it can be a bitch sometimes. i've finally started telling it to only speak to me when it has something good to say. and i am finally listening. and the thing is, it has been saying these things all along. sometimes shouting, sometimes but quitely whispering.

and i see that when a thing is dead, it will speak death. when a thing is alive, it will speak life.

my heart is beating back to life. i hear it. and it hurts. but goodness does it feel wonderful. to see that i hold something the world needs is an amazing and terrifying thing, and frankly i've always thought this to be a rediculous thought. after all, i'm just a person. but there is something in me that must be unleashed. and it is banging louder than ever. i am beginning to love who i am. and loving this only expands the massive amounts of love i have inside of me to give other people. but this type of love scares me. it is far bigger than me. it can tear me apart and it can destroy lives... in the best way possible. and i want it to. and for once, i want this for myself. something has stirred me. someone has stirred me. and i suppose it is many things.

i don't know what i'm saying really. but my life is about to be destroyed. i can feel it. and i couldn't possibly be more thrilled about it. so come on love. come on life, hope, fear, joy, pain, darkness. i invite you in. for my heart is a place of wonder, and i've only just begun.

i was walking, and singing this song.

2008-01-08T22:24:00.000-08:00

the candle is burning. the clock is blinking because of the fuse i blew this morning. a spider is on the wall. i hate spiders. the music is playing. a strum, a strum. a strum diddly umm. and i write this song...

you and me are two people
who like to sing songs
you and me are two people
who like to get along

i am tall, you are short
but you don't seem to mind
and you know i would like you
even if you were blind

you and me, you and me
we go together like a pair of peas
you and me, you and me
we go together like a pair of peas

there's a monster in my closet, so i open the door and step inside. you can't know the fear until you get to know it better. so we walked out hand in hand. i killed that spider, so you know. i'm getting older, and i think wiser. don't worry. i won't get too comfy. that happens and i never want to move; never want to get up. but the sun is rising and my eyes are shining. love has torn me apart. i love how this smile feels on my face.

you and me... we go together like a pair of peas, Life. oh pain, oh joy, oh light, oh dark, oh me, oh mess, oh love.. oh LIFE. i was walking, and singing this song...

doo doo a diddy
la la a doo-op do dee
you and me
we go together
coo coo a chim cha-ree

what are you waiting for?

2008-01-04T09:53:00.000-08:00

What are you waiting for?

There is no answer for you. Only the hope that you will see what has been there all along. There is no level of understanding to be gained before jumping. There is no formula, no trail already blazed. This will not be easy, but it will not be impossible either. Let go of all you've known. Throw away the fear, the doubt, the voice inside of you that tells you that you couldn't possibly have that which you know you were made for. Open your fists. Let yourself want the very best. It is the only way. Don't wait, move now. Move now, while your heart is stirring. Move now, when all you know is darkness. That black road will shine when once your foot falls upon it, and all will be illuminated.

so, what are you waiting for? if you're waiting for a sign; if your waiting for a word, a feeling, a clue, you are waiting aimlessly. if you are waiting for that person, that person you have used all along to steer your way, forget it. they have no answer for you here. if you are waiting to find yourself, if you are holding out until your life seems more managable, you will wait with no end. there is no time for waiting. you must move now. move now, while your passion is speaking. move now, though you feel alone. there are others who have walked where you long to go.

the eyes you have are good, let them see. want the unfathomable. think the loftiest of dreams and the highest of hopes and the purest of possibilities, and know that there exists something even greater than these. and it exists for you. the world waits at your feet...

what are you waiting for?

now we'll never know.

2007-12-21T12:10:00.000-08:00

i layed my head down to rest, and now i can't find it. it's running. and fast. up and down. left. right. its even running in circles. just around and around. and around. its not getting anywhere in particular, but it feels like it is. and i'm not getting any rest. because with my head missing it's hard to know where the rest of me is at. so i lay my head down to rest. fill in the holes with sound. there's some ounce of direction in the noise. the beating drum. the humming strings. the empty body of wood holding it all, throwing it back out and soothing the air. the rhythm keeping time with each racing thought. and my head starts to move a little slower.

but it's running again. now we'll never know.

step outside, it's raining.

2007-12-20T22:43:00.000-08:00

it's raining outside. it's been raining for three days now. it's december and it should be snowing. not raining. there's something heavy about rain. heavy.. not because it's water and the whole getting wet and everything part, but because everything is grey and yet somehow still inviting. and that's the thing about rain; it's not cold enough to turn those falling drops into gentle flakes. but it's not warm enough to make them evaporate into the hot steam found on a summer day. and so it's heavy. and the grey is heavy. like sunglasses over the sun. and my wet clothes make my shoulders sink a bit. and my feet are harder to pick up. and everything moves a little slower. and i just wish the clouds would move so the heat could soak it all up; so i could see a little better.

it's raining and it's christmas. well it doesn't feel like christmas when it's raining. and why does everyone have to say 'happy holidays'? i don't care if you celebrate hannuka or christmas, believe in jesus or saint nicholas. i'm going to say 'merry christmas' and 'happy hannuka' and 'merry kwanza' if i really want to. even mele kalikimaka. why do people have christmas anyway, if they don't believe that something amazing happened on that day?

i guess maybe i just have a lot on my mind tonight. and having a lot on my mind makes me aggitated. all those drops, tapping the windows like they're trying to get to me. break the glass. flood the living room. and i go under. now i'm just swimming in them, weightless. and feeling them swallow me makes me not feel a thing. maybe i should just open the door, slide up the windows, and wait. i'm soaking in them. and i don't know how long it will take for me to dry off. and it's just... heavy.

you're an idiot.

2007-12-08T22:31:00.000-08:00

noodles. and butter. with some parmesan cheese. it was either that or some grits and lays bbq chips. or nutella. i should really head to the grocery store. if my brain had a grocery list, the top 5 things on it would be this:

1. storage space; enough for at least 10% increase in capacity
2. kill the incessant thinking
3. facts about how long you could survive if a wild mongoose attacked you and your carotid artery was punctured.. mildly, not fatally
4. dolla dolla bills y'all
5. food for the right side, sedatives for the left

yep. that list sounds about good. i guess maybe there are a lot of things i would like to pick up for my brain. a key. maybe if my brain had a key of sorts, then i could open it up and see what was really inside. i'd start with some clean-up first though. all those damn thoughts always sloshing around in there... i'd like to just take them out entirely. but i guess maybe some of them are useful. top 5, coming at you:

1. my room smells like syrup. hazlenut coffee syrupy goodness. i love that candle. good purchase, me.
2. i wish i could sing like lauryn hill.
3. pants.
4. pomogranate wine. i should have a glass. but i'd really like to eat some chocolate peanut butter ice-cream too. could this be a descent combo? what if i made a pomogranite wine, chocolate peanut butter float? gross. i just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
5. i feel like i'm too small for life sometimes. i mean, how am i supposed to know how to live when i've never done it before? funny how we only have one. i'd like to have a second chance to live, after i lived a first one, so that i could come back and throw some completely new things into the mix. actually, no. one life is good enough. i'm ready to get out of this 'ell 'ole.

yea. see. not too many good thoughts there. okay, good maybe, but not particularly useful. like, did you know that dust mites can't live in CO because it's too dry there? true fact. too bad i live in cali.

noodles. noodles don't have a lot of taste. i should have gone with grits and bbq chips. and nutella.

1. what an idiot
2. this blog is completly idiotic
3. grits and bbq chips would be totally disgusting and not the least bit nutritious, idiot
4. nutella is good.
5. dolla dolla bills y'all!
i'm an idot. i mean idiot. damn it.

business or pleasure?

2007-11-05T21:23:00.000-08:00

i don't know who killed him. it could have been her husband, or her.. since she was his secret lover. but then there's the waiter. he was the one who gave her the glass in the first place. she was going to drink it. but then he drank it. he wasn't supposed to, he just happened to. it was an accident. but then the waiter ended up with a knife in his chest and then she shot her husband. everyone is dead. she could have shot herself next, seeing as she was the only one left, but instead she drank the vile which was used in the glass that he drank though it was meant for her. everyone is dead.

dinner was fun tonight. we solved the mystery, but solved it wrong. i drank white wine and ate grilled salmon. i felt out of place, but made myself fit in. my people skills are fairly decent in that regard. i got half lost on my way back to my room, but found it alright. 828. the night is quite. and i've noticed that i am not used to this sound. silence. but i've also noticed that i like it. i like it very much. and so i smoke a clove out on my veranda and tell 'pants' about life. and then i listen to it. and there is nothing. and i like it very much.

i wore the robe they hung in the closet most of the night. 'la costa spa and resort' etched across the upper left side. i feel like i belong to some elite club when wearing this robe. not because i can afford to stay in places like this, but because i am staying in a place like this and its fun pretending like i am used to this. so i draw a warm bath and dim the lights. i play some sigur ros on the side and i stretch out. my robe hangs on the wall, waiting for my return. well now i'm wearing it again. but this time i wear it as myself and its more fun, because i'm staying at a resort where world class spa treatment is given, but sitting here in my robe using a $20 hand massager i bought at brookstone to knead the knots out of my shoulder. and its fun. all of it. the mystery, the wine, the silence, the warm bath, the robe. and my $20 massager.

business is business. they always say 'never mix business with pleasure', but i think pleasure should be mixed with everything. life is full of pleasure. if only i'd put it on more.

she has her days.

2007-10-05T14:54:00.000-07:00

the back door was left open at the temple tonight. red velvet chairs all connected at the base. scattered occupants waiting for a word. from god, from a man, from who? i don't know either. the boy in the third row wants to know. his eyes look lost. i shake my head and keep on walking. i don't have your word, boy. today is one of my bad days.

i tap my toe on the concrete to keep time. but i miss you. and because it's a bad day i don't know what i think about time. if i could cheat it, i would. if i could slow it down or make it go a little faster; or if i only had all the time in the world. how do i make peace with this? this ever moving force that i can neither forget nor predict. and right now i'm sitting in it. just sitting. sitting, when all i want to do is jump. leap, even. but i'm scared. and i want you there. what if there's no one there to leap with me? and so i tap my fingers on my heart to keep it going. it's just one of those days.

if i go to bed early enough it might make it stop. but it doesn't. i've slept on a soaked pillow for weeks now. and still i'll have to wake up, and remember to breathe in and out. but i don't think i'm doing a good job these days. at living. my room is cold. cold enough to let me know that i am lying here. cold enough to feel. and the darkness. the darkness might as well swallow me, because i can't see where it ends. the glow-in-the-dark constellations above me are fading. five minutes with the light on and they'll last another hour, give or take. today was a bad day. and going to bed early was a bad idea. because there's that time thing again. and i'm just lying in it. not to mention that it's cold enough to feel. another night and i'll curl up beside myself, pillow soaked. tomorrow is another one of my bad days. i can tell.

i don't have your word, boy. not today. wait for the good ones. sit a while. she has her days.

life is a brightly colored song.

2007-10-02T18:42:00.000-07:00

everytime i sit here she asks the same question. "can i read your palm?"

"no thanks." i say it nicely. why doesn't she ever remember that she's already asked me this?

but tonight it was different.

"i couldn't help but notice that your aura is showing all kinds of bright colors."
no question. yet. i smile politely. i don't know much about aura's. but i guess if i'm going to have one that others can see, a bright multi-colored one is a pretty good one. better than gray. or even chartreuse, if an aura could even handle a color like chartreuse. i'm still smiling.

and there comes the question. "i read palms, do you mind if i read yours?"

"no thanks." i say it nicely.

the moomoo is a fascinating fashion statement. basically, it's like wearing one large button up dress shirt. except you have to be old, and usually a lady. with short grey hair and a weathered face. the two old ladies that just passed me were wearing them. floral patterns at their best. a couple christmas' ago, grandma gave me one of her many moomoo's. it even smells like her. i plan on wearing it when i am old and grey. the short plump one pauses for a moment and smiles me in the eye. i can only guess its because of the many colored aura i am transmitting right now. i smile back from a place inside of me where the color orange lies. orange because she was warm and full of peace, and that's what kind of smile she made me find. her aura was a deep orange. at least that is what i would guess if i could see aura's.

i should have gotten a warm mocha, not an iced one. how was i to know? the crickets are pretty loud tonight. even out on this busy street corner. here she comes again. will she... sure enough. "still not interested?"

"no thanks." i say it nicely.

what a lovely song the night plays. with its colors and sounds and flavors. an aura filled with Life.

battle of the bulge.

2007-09-29T01:24:00.000-07:00

twenty-one seconds. one way. twenty-one seconds and i'm suspended inside a small box with buttons in an invisable hole. an elevator. i'm talking about an elevator. i've had a lot of nightmares about elevators. falling. stopping somewhere at the top of a building and suddenly everything breaks. going up at insanely high speeds with no promise of what will eventually stop it. having no control and no way of escaping. no way of getting out of that damn box. falling. and my heart. my heart pounding against my sternum. hitting the ground, and then... blackness.

i figure that these dreams have to do with me feeling out of control, if you're into interperetations. which, i am. i also have dreams about catepillars the size of whales chasing me in the desert, the ground above them rising like it does in the cartoons when bugs bunny is digging his way to china. interperet that.

it feels like christmas outside today. don't ask me why. maybe its the fog. maybe it's the smell of coldness in the air; the being able to feel the difference in temperature between it and your skin. no. its more. its like hope, or something... like a wieghtless day that leaves you full. its a red day. its round. and you smile even if you don't want to. there's just something about that day, isn't there? its... just kind of bursting. today was like that. don't ask me why.

did you know that it is actually possible to die of a broken heart? takotsubo cardiomyopathy. it is a sudden temporary weakening of the muscle of the heart. 'broken heart syndrome'. leave it to japan to give it a name twenty times more awesome. it comes from "tako tsubo", which means octopus trap. i don't know a lot about octopus traps. or how they relate to hearts, really. not to mention broken ones. though, i suppose it has to do something with the fact that traps of any sort have the tendency to maul whatever it is they've trapped. but that's beside the point. the point is, takotsubo cardiomyopathy is a bulging out of the apex of the heart with the preserved function of the base of the heart. strange. the apex. the greatest point. the pinnacle. the climax of that ever strong muscle that keeps us alive. and how strange that it is this, the most important portion of our hearts, that begins to swell when broken. a physical manifestation of our pain. our hearts response to having lost something, or a piece of something, far greater than anything explainable. and its like all that pain and all that love becomes too much for it to bear and so it tries to break free. but it can't, because without it being a part of us for a time we'd be dead. and so our hearts expand. they do the unthinkable so that we can keep on living. and we do, don't we? at least most of us. the swelling eventually goes down. the pain slowly subsides, and our hearts keep on pumping. perhaps stronger than before. takotsubo cardiomyopathy. octopus trap. our hearts are bigger than we know.

twenty-one seconds. twenty-one seconds and i fall in six, give or take a few. depending on what level i'd reached before it snapped. twenty-one seconds and i go up forever. faster. and my heart. my heart could burst. but today... today i think, i'll enjoy the ride.

and i keep on living.

the truth is...

2007-09-17T16:46:00.000-07:00

the truth is, my heart is twisting in every direction imaginable. the truth is, i've peeled my skin back and i'm feeling this in the rawest way possible. the truth is, if i could stop my eyes from spilling these tears i would. and the truth is, i have a lot of fighting left in me but i don't know if its needed. the truth is, i haven't been able to breathe as easily. and the truth is, i'd let you go completely if it meant i'd leave you better. the truth is, i've never been more alive, because a part of me has never been more dead. and the truth is, no matter how sick i feel around you, i've never felt more at home. the truth is, i can't do a thing in spite of wanting to do everything. and the truth is, you'll never find another me. the truth is, i realize i can be who i've always hoped to be, and could be. and the truth is, i'll be okay. but the truth is, i wonder if i could have been more okay with you. but the truth is, i can't make you be okay with you first. the truth is, i can't explain anything logically because no matter how hard i try, it doesn't make sense to love you. the truth is, i shouldn't, and i shouldn't let you back. but the truth is, i can't explain it. the truth is, i'd lose all the sleep in the world to stay up and talk to you. and the truth is, no amount of time could fix things, but we have all the time in the world to make it new. the truth is, i'm crazy. the truth is, i don't know what's best for me. and the truth is, everything is more beautiful than i can bear. but the truth... the truth. the truth is, i don't know anything. how to feel, how to hope, how to trust, how to smile, how to cry. the truth is, i'm just...alive. and the truth is, i'm okay.

the truth is, all will be well.

the squid and the smoker.

2007-09-07T15:39:00.000-07:00

there was spilled ketchup in the elevator today. it was splattered quite lovely on the floor, and up the sides of the walls below the buttons. it smelled. but there wasn't anything i could do about it once the ride began. a box of buttons and splattered ketchup. "L". that's my stop.

i walked behind a man wearing 'aqua de gio' by giorgio armani on my way to lunch today. i knew it was aqua de gio because that scent has made me crazy since the 9th grade. the first boy i ever liked wore it. i think if heaven were to smell like anything, it would be aqua de gio by giorgio armani. i could have followed that man around for the remainder of the day. but i don't know this man, he just smells good. did you know that perfume contains squid.. stuff? pants told me this. if they put it in perfume, it would only make sense that they might put it in cologne as well. just sayin'.

starbucks is an american travesty. that is why today i decided to go to one and not buy anything. i just made myself at home. i found a wonderful table in the shade among the trees and kicked my feet up. i took my magazine to read, my tunes to listen to and my dr. pepper to drink. dr. pepper, by the by, is unavailable here thus making it even more of a travesty. i was reading the latest 'cosmopolitan', which i found at work. unbeknownst to me, this magazine is largely about sex, beauty, and well.. sex. really, its just about sex. for instance, the cover, which i clearly failed to even look at beforehand, is riddled with the following taglines: "the blended orgasm", "your gyno's secret thoughts about your sex life", "crazy-ass moves he wants you to do to him", "what makes a man fall in love", and topped off with one for safety: "5 places sexual predators look for women" and for the one-two punch in big orange letters: "YOU SEX GODDESS!" a number of thoughts enter my mind after reading these. for one, i don't like the idea of gyno's thinking about thier patients sex lives.. not to mention 'secretly'. i admit i would like to know what makes a man fall in love, but then i imagine it is as much of a mystery to him as it is to me. now lets talk about 'crazy-ass moves'. anything that uses the term 'crazy-ass' deserves some props. so i give props. and lastly, how nice of the powers at be to state so boldly the goddess like abilities of all it's readers. and i thank you. huh. cosmopolitan. quite the read, that magazine. that too, along with starbucks, is now an american travesty.

i was talking to a woman today who started smoking because she had the hots for this good looking man she worked with. he would go out for a smoke break everyday at 10 and 2. ten minutes everyday and she'd have him all to herself... if only she smoked. that was five years ago. one and a half of those years was occupied by him. and their newly shared smoke. before i could hear the rest of her story her cigarette reached its end. she had to go. i've never been more convinced that i should become a smoker.

its what i said. that last paragraph was a complete fabrication. well maybe not a complete one. but a partial one, because it did indeed take place inside my head. my head is filled with words. my head is filled with many eyes, and sometimes i don't know which ones to look out of.

ce la vie.

thank you LA.

2007-07-22T22:07:00.000-07:00

the air is cold and balmy. balmy. what a great word. i recently told timmy that i was going to start using this word in my everyday jargon. i just ate a bite full of avocado. i wanted more turkey in that bite, maybe even some more lettuce, or a tomato. anything to give it some more crunch. there's a couple making out on the corner right now. it started as a sort of timid kiss. a foot of air between them, with just their heads leaning in to make the contact. then, after realizing how much they enjoyed it, they stepped together. hands on hips, hands on pecs, and shoulders. smiles. okay, how long are you going to do this? the light is green. they missed their chance to cross.

the sun is starting to go down, turning the sky a deep orange near the bottom, and turning purple then blue, then deep blue. but there's clouds too. they absorb the color like paper towels dipped in grape juice. my legs have goosebumps. i want another bite of my wrap, but that overload of avocado has got me hesitant. duanes is calling...
my location has changed. the same song, picked up right where i left it. damien rice sings about his eskimo friend, and it kind of makes me want to have one. i imagine someone living life in an igloo would have some very interesting perspectives on life. i mean, how do they manage to fire up the stove and cook the days seal (as i imagine that is what they would eat), without melting their house down? anyone who can accomplish this is worth knowing. they understand something i do not.

okay. well i must admit that i've been tanning as of late. i am not proud of this, especially having the beach so easily at my disposal for such purposes. but who has time to go to the beach these days? i have a family to feed. well, i've been tanning, and being as i am, i worked some magic and got the lady to cut me a sweet deal- unlimited tans for a month plus all kinds of other, more advanced tans, and crap like that. then, on her own free will she added in some lotions and stuff. but she really took the cake when she gave me a free lip gloss. now, i was already feeling way too "l.a." at this point, and didn't think it could get much worse until i actually read the label on this deliscious tube of gloss i'd been given. come to find out, this lip gloss was in fact what they like to call "loss gloss". why you might ask, would they call it this? that's right, it has straight up appetite inhibitors in it. just when i thought they had thought of everything. appetite inhibitors!! as in, your so fat that we've even created a lip gloss to prevent you from getting even more fat. next thing i know, they'll be putting this crap in toothpaste. water even. who knows, maybe even the air. and then i'll wake up one day only to realize that the world doesn't eat food anymore. we only drink water.. with appetite inhibitor in it. i mean lets be honest- loss gloss?! now i have to consciously use this only after i have eaten a good hearty meal for the fear of not being able to eat. thank you l.a.

on another note... after i went and tanned my hide today, i drove right past andy dick on a bmx bike. that's right. you heard me correctly. i had just stopped at a stop sign and none other than andy dick himself came riding right past me on his bike in the opposite direction. i laughed out loud at the sight. and i love moments like this. moments where i burst into laughter when i'm all by myself. in the car. in my room. in an elevator. in my empty house. it's one of the most enjoyable things, really. something about it reminds me that i am alive; that life is not as heavy as i often make it out to be. in that regard, l.a. provides for many moments alone with my own laughter.

thank you l.a.

it's alright.

2007-06-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

i had them there inside my eyes
the words i wanted to speak
but i looked away and now they're gone
tumbling down tubes, leading to my limbs
loose a leg to get them out
stand up! walk it off

a drop of sugar in your bitter heart
i can't taste the lovely just yet
spit it out, i need a drink
spit it out, my thoughts are burning
like the floors in hell, i'm losing
wake up! your light is humming

we've got the morning ready, lie down
a revolution waiting in the dark
draw the guns, we're fighting
strike the ground, we're running
our faces scream our indecision
get up! we're moving

it's alright, it's alright, it's not your fault
all these things so broken
nothing could have stopped them
it's alright
it's alright

shut up! it's alright.

-me-

the world is a place of wonder.

2007-05-24T15:10:00.000-07:00

tonight i'm leaving on a jet plane for florida. that song is basically a pretty sad one. when you think about it, that is. i mean, if he is saying he will return with a wedding ring for the lady, then why does he also say that he doesn't know when he'll be back again? makes me wanna say 'typical'.. but for the fellas out there that do know what they want, i will refrain. because i have met a couple of these fellas.. the one's who know what they want. but i think i have met more that don't know. hell, i haven't known what i've wanted most my life, so i can point no fingers. knowing what you want is probably one of the hardest ventures of life.

but what i was really saying is that i'm leaving on a jet plane tonight for florida. did you know that the highest point in florida is only 300 feet above sea level? that is incredulous. being from colorado, i am pretty sure i would have to dig a hole in the earth a few thousand feet deep to reach a point that was 300 feet above sea level. florida reminds me of an old person. weird things grow there and it is basically falling off into the ocean. yea, i don't know how that correlates with an old person either.

today at lunch i was sitting outside listening to these french people talk. fox has been having screenings the past couple weeks and there have been people from all over the universe here to watch them. today the french people were in abundance. i could have listened to them forever, it was so beautiful. there were three ladies. one of them was smoking. i think french ladies look much sexier than american ladies when smoking. this is a fascinating mystery. then an older gentleman joined them and surprisingly began to dominate the conversation... 'oui. eehh.. le fluers de vie un grande maintenot aujourd oui, comci comca.. tout ca cest deconerie.' you know, stuff like that. i imagined they were talking about lovely things; like how the sky is blue and the air smells like the salt off the ocean. or maybe they were just talking about some screenings.

lately i've been thinking about how sometimes you just have to do simple, everyday things, in bizarre ways. for instance, i was going to push the button for the elevator the other day, and instead of just pushing it calmly with a fingertip, i decided to blast it with a punch. so i punched the button with a furry and got a little laugh out of it. then, when i sat down at my desk after the ride, i noticed that i had taken a chunk out of my knuckle from the punch i gave that button, and it was bleeding all down my finger. it was so awesome. i think tomorrow i'll eat with my left hand and see what happens. i am right handed. or maybe i'll walk backwards in the airport tonight, just to mix it up.

here's two lines i wrote in a poem the other day to duanes-where life dances among weeping willowsand swirls its hues in the most daring flighti like those lines. sometimes its a crazy thing to think about where things like that come from inside of you. maybe there is a part in your heart that transmits lovely, and then it travels up to your brain and out of your lips. how do you maintain the lovely? i wish i knew. but mostly i think it just comes from being alive... and acting like it.

i don't think i have much to say today. a lot of people have been checking out my blog lately. like last week it was over 150 people. where do these people come from? i bet its the same person just reading it over and over, so it makes it seem like a lot. either way, i guess that's pretty cool to know that people actually dig something i think up in my brain.

well, keep on living and keep on rocking. the world is a place of wonder. hahaha.. cheers.

i look good from far away.

2007-05-09T16:46:00.000-07:00

it's true. only from far away. i've been looking pretty hideous these days. lack of sleep, rough luck, pre-menopausal hormone tendencies.. i mean, whaaat?! your guess is as good as mine. i'm thinking about never looking in a reflective surface again. at least for a good while. perhaps i'm my own worst critic. whatever the case, i've been having a couple months of the 'uglies'. i'm not even mad, really.

so, i was thinking that it might be really awesome if my eyes were like a mood ring and could change colors depending on my mood. i talked to duanes (hi duanes) about this and he agreed that it would be completely fantastic. i'm pretty glad about this idea, because usually my mood color with rings is green, and so i imagine that if my eyes were accurate, they would stay green the majority of the time. if i ever get laser eye correction, i am definately asking them if this is a possibility, and if they could just go ahead and add that procedure on top of the laser one.
the other day i got a parking ticket right as i was getting back to my car. all that stuff that people say about women being able to get out of tickets better than men, is a lie. either that, or my skillz have taken a drastic, and startling, plummet for the worse. that ass face. women are just people too, i guess. like men. i had always hoped that we women were a little bit magical. i'll still hedge my bets that we are. in the end, i made sure to thank him for doing his job. that's just the kind of person i am.

i had a dream the other night that timmy body slammed makena and then i body slammed his life for body slamming an infant. it was terrible. amidst the body slamming, there was a furrious wind storm going on. we never did find out if makena was okay after receiving such a slamming. way to go timmy.

as i always say, love and let love. until next time...

she left her lipstick on the lid.

2007-05-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

there, in the trashcan. it had her kisses all over it. ruby red and warm. i wonder if she wore high heels, and a power suit. maybe a skirt. a power one. whoever it was, most ladies that wear that much lipstick wear suits of power. at least that is what i presume.
i wear flats. and never lipstick. except maybe once or twice for a special occasion. but even then, i did not enjoy it as that lid did. and i will most certainly never own a power suit. the only suit i will own is an awesome suit, if they even existed.

sauerkraut is a very unpleasant thing to eat. yesterday, i got a rueben sandwich and it was covered in sauerkraut. i forgot to ask the chef to leave it off. this is unfortunate, because even if i take it all off, my sandwich will still taste like the remnants of sauerkraut. gross.
i wonder if crossing your legs really does cause spider veins. if so, i may end up having some highly decorated ones. all day i sit here, switching back and forth. one leg on top of the other. after a while, they start to ache. i think i'll start working standing up. perhaps i'll throw in a couple laps around the office sporadically as well, just to keep the blood flowing. can't have spiders making their home in me.

my mom always taught me that a real woman must always 'have her lips on'. one time, on take your daughter to work day, my mom and sister and i spent the day removing wallpaper from the living room wall. but before we started, my mom made us put our lips on. she said that even if your at home by yourself doing woman things, you still have to put them on. she wore bright red. if you knew my mom, this color makes a lot of sense. my sister wore it too, for similar reasons. i wore dark maroon. i would have worn nothing, but with a bright red mom and a bright red sister i knew that wasn't possible. i suppose i might have worn a pale rose if it were available, but something that subtle just wasn't mom. she leaves her mark on most everything. bright red. bright red and loud.